In every movie I’ve watched or book I’ve read, if there’s a period of time where things are going really good, I always think to myself, “Something really bad is about to happen.”

And yet, when it happens in real life, I never see it coming.

I haven’t written in a while because of everything going on in my life. I’m stressed and overwhelmed (if you follow me on twitter, you already know this because of my three am meltdowns lol). But maybe writing it out, I realized, would help just a little piece of me calm down. 

I’ve heard that relationships are hard work since I was little. I grew up witnessing the truth of that.

I’ve been told to be independent and stand up for myself, to walk away when I’m unhappy.

But I’ve also been told to stick things out and work on them. That if you love someone, you’ll get through (up to a point, of course).

But when I was stuck in the crossroads, deciding what my next step would be, I was so confused. Which side should I lean towards more?

One side of me was saying that it would be better if we both moved on, that we were young, too young to be having troubles and feeling like things were so serious. But the other side reminded me of how much I love this person, and that relationships are hard work, and that we should hold on.

Relationship troubles aren’t the only thing I’ve been avoiding writing for. But when this was all going down I realized, if I keep waiting and waiting to blog when a good few months show up, I might be waiting for a very long time.

And to be honest, I kind of miss writing these. Even the cringey ones, ha. 

So as I’m writing this I realize that yet again I’ve written a post that is all over the place and doesn’t really make sense. But it’s fitting, in a way.

I’m working on happy. And I want to be honest about that. 

Things have gotten easier – my relationship is good again, even if we are working on little aspects of different things. Communication, and compromise, is a very important aspect, I’ve learned. I’m also not so sick anymore. Well, not as often, at least. No hospital visits for a whole month finally! That’s a blessing. I’m trying hard to focus on the littlest of blessings to keep my head above water.

With every downfall, I try to bring up a convenience.

In happier news, my friends made it possible for me to go see Superfruit at Ohio Pride, and it was a very much-needed weekend. I got to meet and see so many of my twitter friends, and I really felt so loved and accepted.
I cried a lot. No one is surprised. But they were truly happy tears. I felt so happy that it was overwhelming. And when I went back home and back to reality, the stresses of course came back. But it was nice having the good moments to remember. To hold on to. 

It’s okay not to be doing great. It’s okay to admit that. And don’t let people make you feel bad about that! Don’t apologize for your emotions.

Things will get better.

They will.

Sometimes they get worse, first, but when it feels like bad thing after bad thing keeps happening, try to remember a time where you’ve felt like this before. Not to bring you down, of course, but to remember when you thought the world was over and yet you got through it.

You’ll do it again.

Without a struggle, there can’t be progress.

Love you all,


Ps: I learned that modeling will never be in my future careers. I am the most awkward person when pictures are being taken. I’m shocked Sean got any good shots.  




Well, christmas-time, anyway. But there’s only four days left! Have you done all of your shopping? I haven’t, oops. But I’m better than I was last year! I really procrastinated until the last minute then. I think my biggest problem of Christmas Shopping 2k17 is that I keep giving everyone their gift’s early because I’m too excited to wait. I’ve given my mom like five of hers. But hey, as long as there’s still some left for Christmas morning, right?

I know that this time of year isn’t everyone’s favorite. In fact, some despise it. I know that if you’re without family, December can be a pretty lonely month.

My boyfriend Chris and I were having a conversation the other day about the holiday. He told me that, to him, it was just another day.

“Just another day?” I exclaimed, in my over-festive-loving way. I’m that girl who loves the traditions, who gets starry-eyes at the pretty lights and can’t wait until December to set up the tree. “But it’s Christmas.”

“I think that it’s silly for us to dedicate one day to showing love for one another, to only get gifts and get together on that one day. We should do that all year.”

I pressed my lips together. He had a point, didn’t he? “I think you’re right, but how often would that actually happen, if we didn’t have the holidays? Think about how busy everyone is these days. This time of year… people really want to see each other, because it’s the holidays. It’s not even that they’re obligated. All the time, anyway. It’s also a nice day to just… escape. So much negative stuff happens throughout the year. Christmas gives us a way to have a day of celebration despite that. It’s important to have breaks, to have markers of time. It’s why I love holidays so much — minus Valentine’s Day, ha — and birthdays. People act like birthdays don’t matter to them, but they should! You made it through a whole entire year again. You survived in this world to see another age! That’s definitely something to be celebrated.”

I can’t tell for certain, but I think he may have seen my side of things a little bit, too.

Christmas isn’t just about presents. Anyone will tell you that. It’s about making memories and going to see Santa with your nephews and new niece. It’s about your boyfriend agreeing to go see the lights with you even though he doesn’t really want to all that much but knows it makes you happy. It’s about getting your mom something really meaningful like her handwriting tattooed on your arm to show how much you love her and appreciated everything she did for you during this very trialling year. It’s about seeing those family members who live far away who travelled home for the holiday so they could see everyone. It’s about watching your favorite Christmas comedy to put you and your sister in a better mood after she’s had a tough day at school and your shift at work wasn’t the best. It’s about making some candy cane hot cocoa and wrapping a present up for yourself to open on Christmas morning because it’s time you gave yourself some love. It’s about miracles and celebrating because for gosh sake’s it’s Christmas.

A lot happened this year for me. Not all of it good. And I’m sure a lot of you can relate.

Let’s use this holiday as a break.

I hope all of yours is wonderful — no matter if you celebrate Christmas, Kwanza, Hanukah, or something else.

You all deserve love.

Even if it feels like it’s just another day because you’re not a kid anymore, try to remember what Christmas really is. I know I’ll be taking this advice myself.

Love you all,



I forgot how difficult school was.

Not even in the homework way. Academically, I’m doing fine. It’s the sitting for hours in the same cold spot with rules and proper etiquette. It’s the waking up at seven in the morning and having a routine to get ready when I’m so tired. It’s being around a constant classroom of people talking and moving and breathing and… ugh. It’s a lot.

At least when I’m at work I have moments to myself. I don’t usually work register so I have tasks on my own usually, and the only people I see are customers, but even they aren’t always passing by because I’m tucked away in the crook of the store. When I’m at school, I’m on display at all times. I can feel imaginary holes burning in the back of my head. It’s exhausting!

It messes a lot with my anxiety, which often makes it hard to learn. How can I possibly be asked to pay attention when there are two strangers minding their own business on either side of me? I’m just constantly thinking. Oh my god they’re totally thinking about how bad I look, they think I’m annoying, look at the way they eyed me like that! I want to disappear. 

This, of course, is a normal routine for me. Anxiety is a constant friend that won’t go home, even though you’ve strongly hinted that you want to stop hanging out. What do I do? Try to cope with it.

Which, of course, is easy to say. Not so easy to do. 

Anxiety can really affect some aspects of my life. Worse than not being able to focus in school. 

There are times – usually at night – that I have total meltdowns. During this time, I feel like I lose a lot of control. When the morning after a meltdown rolls around, I wake up and scroll through my old texts from the night before to survey the damage. There’s a joke from John Mulaney (who – eek! – I’m seeing live this week) where he says that when you’re a drinker you have the excuse of saying, “I’m really sorry about saying that last night, I was just so drunk.” When you don’t drink, you can only say, “I’m sorry about what I said last night, it’s just that I’m mean and loud.”


It kinda really it though! (Makes me sound like such a catch, huh.) I say things I wish I wouldn’t have, in the way where I unleash a dramatic ranting on a friend who is now overwhelmed. It’s like my existential crises’ build up and then I explode with a bunch of MY LIFE IS MEANINGLESS!es and I DON’T MATTER!s.

My anxiety also likes to convince me that no one cares about me. Which isn’t the best thing to tell someone who is listening to you – who is caring. It’s offensive. I know, I’ve been that person too.

I started a relationship this year, and this has actually been a reoccurring problem between us. It’s hard for him to understand sometimes. “How can you say no one cares? I’m right here.” “Why aren’t you looking around you? So many people care.”

It’s, unfortunately, not that simple.

“You can’t reason with anxiety,” I always tell him, my mom, my best friend. “I’m sorry. I know that you love me. But my brain tries to prove that you don’t.”

It’s irrational. And it’s hard to deal with… sometimes for everyone involved.

Racing thoughts aren’t fun. Anxiety is no picnic. And I guess the only thing I can ask from people is… patience. It’s okay if you don’t understand, but if you try to it means the world. I know I’m a mess, and I promise I’m trying to collect myself. Be patient with me.

And please, don’t ever doubt that I love you. Even when I am tricked to think that you don’t love me, I never ever stop caring about you.

And if you read through all of this, thank you for listening.

Love you all,



 It seems only appropriate to come back as a zombie from the grave during October, so here I am! Crawling my way back to this blog like Taylor Swift in her Out of the Woods dress — (which, side note: TAYLOR IS BACK!!! Three years has been too long, girl).

Fall is HERE, folks! As I’m basically drinking my pumpkin spice latte, I’m trying to think of what to write about. So much has happened in the nine months since I last wrote a post. I was a ginger for a while, but I’m blonde again. I always go back to her, she’s my favorite. People ask me why I don’t just go back to my natural color, but then every person I ask says I would look terrible with black hair, so.

I traveled much more than I thought I would since I’ve talked to you guys! I’ve been to New York again, Iowa, Tennessee, I was even in Chicago for two months (didn’t do a lot of touristy stuff for that one, though). I met up with friends I had waited so long to meet, and made new ones. I love traveling, like a lot. Sure, I get homesick, but going to new places that I’ve longed to see and having the best experiences there is incredible. They really are adventures, too, because sometimes conflicts get in the way but we work it out and look back on the story with a smile.

I miss being on the road. 

I’m stuck here for a while, though, because I’ve enrolled in school (yay) that lasts Monday – Thursday until the middle of November. That’s not so bad, though, because having no distractions like that gives me time to really focus on myself. I go to work, go to school, clean my house, and work on self-improving. It’s a process to accept a lot of the things going on lately.

One thing I’ve learned is that self-pity doesn’t really get you anywhere. You don’t get better by laying in your bed and giving up. I did that for a while, and it made me feel worse. I felt like I was falling apart and not caring about that fact whatsoever. One day while I was watching yet another rerun in my bed, I remembered something my Uncle Lenny used to say : “It is what it is, let it be.”

Let it be.

I understand that you can’t apply this to every situation. It’s not always the right answer. But right now, for what I was going through, it helped immensely. I needed to move on in order to get better. I needed to let go and learn that not everything is going to go my way, not everyone is going to like me.

And you know what I did when I finally realized that?

I took a shower. I put an outfit together. I folded my damn clothes and put them where they belonged rather than letting them become a bigger mountain on the floor. 

I’m going through some kind of weird process internally right now. I’m really trying to pull some shreds of confidence together, because it’s exhausting to live in self-hatred. Normally, I don’t like change, but a lot of it is going on against my will anyway, so I’m coping with it. Going with the flow, even. I’m in the works of saving up money little by little to redecorate my old room. I’m tired of the clutter so I’m going to get some shelves from IKEA! Woo!

This post was all over the place. I guess what I’m trying to wrap up is, I’m sorry I’ve been gone so long. I was in a very fragile and unwelcoming state of mind, and I didn’t feel honest writing anything that wasn’t misery (I’m a dramatic, in case you haven’t been able to tell before). But now I’m stable (well, more stable than before, ha), and I want to start posting again. Documenting my life, in a way. Sharing my silly thoughts. 

I want to be present again.

So I’m going to try posting more. This is my favorite time of year, after all, who knows what adventures may await?
I hope some travel your way, too.

Love you all,

Ps: here’s a lil collage of some of the things you’ve missed since January!


“I used to think time was a thief. But you give before you take. Time is a gift. Every minute. Every second.” –Alice Kingsleigh

Sound familiar? It’s a quote from Alice Through the Looking Glass. I remember seeing it at the drive-in and practically sobbing my eyes out at that line.

As you may know, time has always been a difficult thing for me. I struggle with the concept of it quite often. 

I’m always thinking about how much time is left, instead of focusing on how much time I already have. 

There’s another line from The Switch that made me blink in thought. “Look at us. Running around, always rushed, always late. I guess that’s why they call it the human race.”

We really should take a moment to just breathe more. It feels like there’s never time to, but even if you’re busy at work or doing something with your family, there’s always a chance to breathe. 

I am definitely guilty of taking time for granted. Sure, I have moments that I wish would last forever, but I don’t always appreciate the opportunities I’m given. I need to start seizing the day. 

I love those moments that I wouldn’t trade for the world. Simple moments like being with my nephews, hanging out with my friends, watching a movie with my mom, listening to a good song while driving through a tunnel from my favorite book. Bigger moments like sitting on a pink beanbag, crying as I hold my friends’ hands during concerts, going on road trips across the country. 

I used to think time was an enemy. He never gives us enough. He takes and takes, because eventually everyone runs out of it. This fact has really hit me this past weekend.

But, as Alice says, he also gives. He gives us good memories, those moments that you wish could last forever. We’re lucky to even have time to begin with.

It’s hard to remember, sometimes. When we lose someone, or maybe our own time starts running out, we get angry with time. It’s understandable and I’ve definitely been there. But what’s that quote from Pooh Bear? “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

Even though nothing lasts forever, I would never trade the moments I’m given for anything. When someone’s time runs out, I am incredibly heartbroken, but I love that I got to be apart of their time at all.

Don’t take time for granted. Hold on tight to those you love. Live life to the fullest you can in the moment.

And don’t forget to take a second to breathe. 

Love you all,



I took one day off to relax and enjoy the fact that it’s a new year.

On January 2nd, I started planning for 2017.
I’m really excited to go to Kentucky with my best friends at the end of the month! I’ve only been to Kentucky twice, but I’ve loved it every time. Lovely place. I also can’t wait to have my friend Angel in my arms again. She makes me so happy (and can I say sent me the cutest little Christmas package? Look at that mini beanbag!). 

In February, I’m going to Chicago. I’m also seeing Bring Me the Horizon with my mom and Alexx here at home!

It doesn’t sound like a lot, but for only being into the first week of the year I’d say I’m set so far!

Did you guys make resolutions? I did. I want to officially change my name to Sofia Spillari. I also made up a bucket list, and I want to start crossing more things off of it. I even went the extra mile and bought a scrapbook to document it all! I’m excited to see my adventures play out.

Is it too innocent to be hopeful and excited for a new year? I don’t know, but it’s how I’m feeling. There might be some already-known negative factors in my way, but with my friends at my side and music playing loud I am planning to make 2017 the best it can be.

My resolution is to really be happy. There’s a reason I got “choose happiness” tattooed on New Year’s Eve. I want to remember the lesson I learned in 2016 and take it with me forever. It’s definitely something I’m still learning, and maybe I’ll even get better at it this year.

I wish the same for all of you, too. Remember, you are worth every happiness. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Happy new year everyone, let’s tackle 2017 together. 
Love you all,




That was my sigh of relief.

I’m super sad that Christmas is over, but man did it feel hectic this year! I’m excited to have some days off work and recoup (and get my house back in order, good grief).

It always seems that there’s all this buildup to Christmas and then with a snap of the fingers it’s over. Anyone else keep their tree up and watch holiday movies until January?

Now that that holiday is out of the way, though, we’ve got New Years right around the corner.

I’ve always had kind of a hard time with New Years. I love a good existential crisis about time!

I was thinking back on the past year, trying to determine how I felt about 2016. At first thought, I felt like I hated this year. A lot of bad stuff happened, personally and in general. It seemed that this year was filled with giving up and feeling weighed down.

But then I looked past all of the negative and remembered all of the really, really good memories I had from 2016, and there were quite a lot of them! Scrolling back through this blog is pure proof of that, and I’m so grateful to have write-worthy moments. It proves that life is worth sticking around for. 

So, was the year good or bad?

I think what I’m going to say was that it was a year. And we made it through, both with smiles and tears. We’re still here, though we’ve lost and gained a lot. I think that, for me, 2016 was definitely one for the books.

I’m nervous for the new year because change, endings and beginnings make me super duper anxious. But I’ll hold on tight to fragile hearts, and keep my friends forever by my side. We’ll tackle it together.

I’m sending my very best wishes to you for a happy new year. What’s everyone doing to celebrate? I think I’ll probably sit at home and watch the ball drop, I don’t really have any parties planned. 😜

Love you all,