Thirty-Five

“I used to think time was a thief. But you give before you take. Time is a gift. Every minute. Every second.” –Alice Kingsleigh

Sound familiar? It’s a quote from Alice Through the Looking Glass. I remember seeing it at the drive-in and practically sobbing my eyes out at that line.

As you may know, time has always been a difficult thing for me. I struggle with the concept of it quite often. 

I’m always thinking about how much time is left, instead of focusing on how much time I already have. 

There’s another line from The Switch that made me blink in thought. “Look at us. Running around, always rushed, always late. I guess that’s why they call it the human race.”

We really should take a moment to just breathe more. It feels like there’s never time to, but even if you’re busy at work or doing something with your family, there’s always a chance to breathe. 

I am definitely guilty of taking time for granted. Sure, I have moments that I wish would last forever, but I don’t always appreciate the opportunities I’m given. I need to start seizing the day. 

I love those moments that I wouldn’t trade for the world. Simple moments like being with my nephews, hanging out with my friends, watching a movie with my mom, listening to a good song while driving through a tunnel from my favorite book. Bigger moments like sitting on a pink beanbag, crying as I hold my friends’ hands during concerts, going on road trips across the country. 


I used to think time was an enemy. He never gives us enough. He takes and takes, because eventually everyone runs out of it. This fact has really hit me this past weekend.

But, as Alice says, he also gives. He gives us good memories, those moments that you wish could last forever. We’re lucky to even have time to begin with.

It’s hard to remember, sometimes. When we lose someone, or maybe our own time starts running out, we get angry with time. It’s understandable and I’ve definitely been there. But what’s that quote from Pooh Bear? “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

Even though nothing lasts forever, I would never trade the moments I’m given for anything. When someone’s time runs out, I am incredibly heartbroken, but I love that I got to be apart of their time at all.

Don’t take time for granted. Hold on tight to those you love. Live life to the fullest you can in the moment.

And don’t forget to take a second to breathe. 

Love you all,

Sofia

Thirty-Four

I took one day off to relax and enjoy the fact that it’s a new year.

On January 2nd, I started planning for 2017.
I’m really excited to go to Kentucky with my best friends at the end of the month! I’ve only been to Kentucky twice, but I’ve loved it every time. Lovely place. I also can’t wait to have my friend Angel in my arms again. She makes me so happy (and can I say sent me the cutest little Christmas package? Look at that mini beanbag!). 


In February, I’m going to Chicago. I’m also seeing Bring Me the Horizon with my mom and Alexx here at home!

It doesn’t sound like a lot, but for only being into the first week of the year I’d say I’m set so far!

Did you guys make resolutions? I did. I want to officially change my name to Sofia Spillari. I also made up a bucket list, and I want to start crossing more things off of it. I even went the extra mile and bought a scrapbook to document it all! I’m excited to see my adventures play out.

Is it too innocent to be hopeful and excited for a new year? I don’t know, but it’s how I’m feeling. There might be some already-known negative factors in my way, but with my friends at my side and music playing loud I am planning to make 2017 the best it can be.

My resolution is to really be happy. There’s a reason I got “choose happiness” tattooed on New Year’s Eve. I want to remember the lesson I learned in 2016 and take it with me forever. It’s definitely something I’m still learning, and maybe I’ll even get better at it this year.

I wish the same for all of you, too. Remember, you are worth every happiness. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Happy new year everyone, let’s tackle 2017 together. 
Love you all,

Sofia

Thirty-Three

Ahhhhhh.

That was my sigh of relief.

I’m super sad that Christmas is over, but man did it feel hectic this year! I’m excited to have some days off work and recoup (and get my house back in order, good grief).

It always seems that there’s all this buildup to Christmas and then with a snap of the fingers it’s over. Anyone else keep their tree up and watch holiday movies until January?

Now that that holiday is out of the way, though, we’ve got New Years right around the corner.

I’ve always had kind of a hard time with New Years. I love a good existential crisis about time!

I was thinking back on the past year, trying to determine how I felt about 2016. At first thought, I felt like I hated this year. A lot of bad stuff happened, personally and in general. It seemed that this year was filled with giving up and feeling weighed down.

But then I looked past all of the negative and remembered all of the really, really good memories I had from 2016, and there were quite a lot of them! Scrolling back through this blog is pure proof of that, and I’m so grateful to have write-worthy moments. It proves that life is worth sticking around for. 

So, was the year good or bad?

I think what I’m going to say was that it was a year. And we made it through, both with smiles and tears. We’re still here, though we’ve lost and gained a lot. I think that, for me, 2016 was definitely one for the books.

I’m nervous for the new year because change, endings and beginnings make me super duper anxious. But I’ll hold on tight to fragile hearts, and keep my friends forever by my side. We’ll tackle it together.

I’m sending my very best wishes to you for a happy new year. What’s everyone doing to celebrate? I think I’ll probably sit at home and watch the ball drop, I don’t really have any parties planned. 😜

Love you all,

Sofia

Thirty-Two

So, here we go.

I try not to get too much into depression and stuff like that on here, because I want this to be a happy blog and not a bunch of posts about me complaining. But things have been hard lately, and I feel like acting otherwise on here will make it worse.

I have a love/hate relationship with Christmastime. On the one hand, there’s movies and music and just that warm feeling that everyone talks about going around. On the other hand, there’s existential crisis’ and mental or nervous breakdowns. You know, the usual.

I was at my nephew’s Christmas recital and sitting in a pew of the church I’d grown up in, next to the giant tree that I’d known since I was a baby. It seemed like just yesterday I was one of the kids performing up at the altar, relaying the story of Christmas to my video-taping family. Now I was with the adults and watching my youngest nephew who is now five do the same thing I used to. It made me think of how much time had passed, of how it was going to keep passing, and I just started crying because it was so overwhelming. My family thought I was a proper weirdo.

I think the term “choosing happiness” is thrown around really lightly when it’s not always that easy to do. I have my role models like Kirstin and Shay to look up to and hear about how it’s a struggle but I can do it, and then I try and it’s a train wreck. It’s so hard sometimes. I feel like I’ve let Kirstin down, which may not seem like a big deal to some people but it is to me.

I know that deep down is a part of me that doesn’t want any of this, who didn’t ask for this. Who would, right? The core part of me doesn’t want to stop existing all the time, nor does it wish for me to be a danger to myself. But that part of me is often drowned out by my mind, which is telling me that I do want these things and that I deserve all of it.

Choosing happiness is a struggle because it involves finding that tiny piece of you that is fighting your mind and making it grow. No easy task, if you ask me.

One piece of advice I always give out when people come to me is to write down a list of happy moments in your life on a physical piece of paper that you can hold and read. Then, when things start getting tough, look at it and remember each one. Bring back how awesome you felt in that moment. It doesn’t necessarily fix things and make your bad mood go away, but I find that it really does help.

I added one thing this morning. I’ve been a little MIA for a few days because I snapped (for lack of a better word), and I didn’t think anyone even noticed. Come to find out that there were a few who did, who noticed and cared and were worried. That was mind-boggling to me. I don’t deserve to be worried about. I’m not that important.

See, that’s my mind talking. But this act brought out that small core part of me that told me Yes, you are loved. Yes, they worry because you mean something to them.





Have you ever seen Rise of the Guardians? It’s a great movie, I watch it a lot, especially at Christmastime. There’s this scene where Santa is talking to Jack Frost, asking him what “his center is.” Then he takes out one of those doll things where you uncap each one to find a smaller one inside. You know the ones? He says that these outer shells aren’t what really makes him who he is. They’re parts of him, but they’re not really who he is. It’s the smallest and final doll that shows his center that depicts who he is as a person, what the root value is. 

These negative thoughts? They’re not who you really are. Those shouts of you’re not important and no one will miss you if you leave are your outer shells. At the very end, when you uncap that final negative thought, there’s something else there that really shows who you are. What do you think your center is? What is it saying?

I think mine is I am happy to be alive.

I’m just working on getting those pesky outer shells off. They seem to be pretty stuck together right now.

You should try making one of those happy moment lists I mentioned! I added going to New York and meeting one of my best friends last week. She was even more perfect in person.

I also got to add going to Kings in Pittsburg and eating where Logan Lerman, Ezra Miller and Emma Watson sat to film The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I got to go through the tunnel from the movie/book, blaring Pentatonix’s song New Years Day with the windows down and my friends at my side.


As the list gets longer, it gets more encouraging. When I think about giving up, I look at that list and think that in all of these moments I was happy to be alive. And that’s quite helpful. They’re moments worth fighting for. Life isn’t going to be all daisies. “It was hard to get where you are, and it’s going to be hard getting to where you’re going.” But the happy moments are still there, they’re still going to happen. They’re not just going to disappear because you’re having a rough time right now.

And if you think that you don’t deserve to have those happy moments, then you’re wrong. Because people make mistakes. We’re human, and a lot of times we can work it out. You still deserve to be happy, okay?

I should take my own advice, ha.

Let’s work on getting better together.

Love you all,

Sofia

Thirty-One

For most of my life, I’ve been scared.

Ever since I was little, my anxiety was the one in charge. I couldn’t stay at anyone’s house overnight but my own, and I sat in torture instead of asking my teacher to go to the bathroom.

My life and the things I do have always been centered around this ball of anxious fear inside my chest and stomach. And it sucks. Not to mention it’s exhausting, it really is!

No, don’t do that.

No, don’t go there.

You can’t, something terrible will happen.

Stay home, if you go you’re going to die.

This irrational thinking kept me from doing a lot of fun things. I couldn’t go camping, attend sleepovers, or even make friends because I was so scared to talk to someone. I missed out on a lot.
Even now, I feel unsettled and sometimes have panic attacks if I stray too far from home or sleep somewhere that isn’t my normal bed. It’s so annoying!

But lately I’ve been trying to push myself out of my comfort zone. Normally I just let myself accept that I have certain rules to abide by, but now I realize those rules are ludicrous. I don’t want to let my anxiety take over my life anymore! I want to be the one in charge. I want to start living instead of hiding.

We’ll see how this goes. You should try with me if you’ve been thinking about this as well. 😊

Love you all,

Sofia
P.S: I got to cross another concert off my bucket list! I saw The 1975 on Tuesday with my mom and I cried the whole time. 

Thirty

I’m getting restless. I haven’t really done anything for two weeks now, and I’m getting antsy. Don’t get me wrong, I love having lazy days (and even time to clean my house, haha), but when I have all this free time I start overthing because there’s nothing else to do.

I think my friend Emma noticed this, because she decided to drive three hours to see little ol’ me on Saturday! We haven’t seen each other since the day we met at a twenty one pilots concert in Indianapolis fourteen months ago. She showed up at my door and I shrieked.

Emma’s never been to St. Louis before, so what do you think we did? Go to the arch? The art museum? Nope, we went to Ikea. And it was awesome. I’d never been before! We also had peppermint mochas and ate lunch together and walked around downtown. It was an amazing day, but then it was over and I got sad again.

Have you ever had something so amazing happen to you that once it was over you were overwhelmed with emotions you didn’t really know how to cope with? Because that’s been me the past few days. I know that I’ve said that I should smile because it happened but I’m so sad that it’s over.

I miss singing onstage with my favorite band to thousands of people. Can you blame me?

Even through the event itself is over, the effects of the moment are still with me. It might be dramatic to say, but I feel like my life changed on that night. I got to experience how happy I could be, and it gave me hope.

That night I made a silent promise to Kirstin that I would take better care of myself, something I really wasn’t doing. I didn’t care much about my well-being or life itself, so it didn’t bother me if I was in pain or sad or both. I felt like I deserved it, and that that’s all that I would ever know.

And then October 29th happened, and things changed.


One of best friends Harley and I were talking about that night (we finally got to meet the day of the concert so we talk about how much we miss it a lot), and she mentioned how happy she was that I got picked to go onstage because it made me want to live again, and I realized that she was low key totally right. I gained a determination to fight through that hard times because I saw how good life can be.

This sounds a little like I’m repeating my last post, but I think this is a little different. On the last post I talked about how happy I was, but now I’m kind of struggling again yet I have the strength and willpower to fight through.


Ain’t misbehavin’, no, you don’t need to worry…

It used to be that anytime things started going dark, I immediately gave into the bad habits. It made things easier to push it all away. Now, I want to stay strong and actually deal with things and take care of my state, both physical and emotional. It’s been difficult. And I don’t feel 100% better. It’s not like singing with Kirstin was a button I pushed to make all bad things go away. Life doesn’t work like that, though it would be nice.

But I’m doing it. I’m fighting to stay strong.

I chose an apple over ice cream for a snack today, so I think I’m on a good path.

Love you all,

Sofia

Twenty-Nine

I’m sure you all knew I would write about this.

The funny and amazing thing is, I have been planning on writing about Kirstin for chapter 29 for about a month now! You’ll find out why towards the end of the post. 😉

I have never, ever been this happy in my life.

Am I sad that it’s over? Extremely. Devastated. Yesterday my snapchat story hit the twenty-four hour mark and erased and I cried over it for thirty minutes.

But, what’s that old, overused saying? “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”

And boy, am I smiling.

I even posted a non-filtered, no makeup selfie on twitter yesterday morning! I have never done that and never thought I would because of how self conscious I am, especially after not having slept more than three hours since last Thursday. But I wanted to capture the memory of being this ecstatic, this content.

For those of you who don’t know what happened, I went to another Pentatonix show in Champaign on Saturday. Alexx and I had VIP, but for the first time ever the show was better for me than actually meeting them. (Though Kirstin told me she loved seeing my songs on twitter and I nearly bawled right in front of her.)

During every Pentatonix show on this tour, the band has set out beanbags on stage and each of them call a person up to sing the song Misbehavin with them.

Ever since it started, I have never wanted anything more.

That might be dramatic but it’s true! It was my complete dream. As someone who wants to be a musician, singing with your favorite band is about as goals as it gets.

Never in a million years did I think I would get picked, much less by the person I look up to more than anyone. 

But it happened.

And it was everything I’ve ever wanted and more. I honestly don’t know how I held it together throughout the song, especially because I’m a super emotional person. I think mixed with how ecstatic and shocked I was it made me able to function. And I remember every second! Kirstin said she liked my nails.

Every now and then, it’ll come back to me: I sang with Pentatonix. And then I start crying again.

I wish I was kidding.

The day after the show I was at home and finally let myself watch the video my friend’s grandma took, and I cried for two hours. I looked at the tweets she sent Alexx and I about the scrapbook we made her, remembered Kirstin crying about it, and sobbed more. I also sent a bunch of sappy videos to a few of the people I love, and it was a complete mess.

I’ve been very emotional since it happened. Perfect time for a blog post, right?

This year has been very, very hard for me. There were times I wasn’t sure how or if I’d make it through, and a lot of stuff I never saw coming nor knew how to handle hit me right in the face. I haven’t been truly and honestly happy in what feels like a very long time.

As soon as I got off that stage, I said to my friends that I was so happy to be alive.

Is that dramatic? Maybe? I don’t think so. I think the whole night showed me that good and amazing moments really are possible, and there are times where fighting through the hard times really do feel worth it. If you had told me back in February or even August that I would feel like this or that my wildest dream would come true, I would’ve rolled my eyes and shook my head. I wouldn’t have believed you! And yet, here I am. It’s a reality for me.

I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging, and I’m sorry if I do. What I’m trying to get across is that you never know what the future is going to hold. You might think this awful moment you might be in is forever, but it’s not. That sounds cliche, but it’s so true!! Kirstin Maldonado said she loved my singing. Anything really can happen.

And I think that fantastic things are waiting for each and every one of you.

The struggle is worth it. And you are strong enough to get through.

I wear Kirstin’s bracelet that she sells on her merch store every day. It says “you are strong,” and on the flip side, “don’t forget that.” And it’s a wonderful reminder. It makes me feel stronger just looking at it. It was the thing I looked at to help me get through those rough times, and it was on my wrist when I was singing next to Kirstin herself.

And to celebrate reaching almost thirty posts and a little over a year on this blog, I want to give one to someone else who doesn’t have it, because I think everyone deserves that reminder.

Go check out my twitter for details on how to win! If you don’t know my username you can click here and it’ll take you to it.

And if you don’t win, here’s the reminder for you to come back to whenever you may need it:

You are strong.
Don’t forget that. 

You might not believe it. I didn’t either. But it’s true.

Love you all,

Sofia

P.S: thank you to everyone for your kindness and for sharing the happiness for me. You’re part of the reason it was all so great. ❤️