Ten

As I write this, I’m sitting under four blankets despite the fact that it’s supposed to be Spring, and my eyes are watering as I try to watch Shaytards vlogs while I cough my lungs out thanks to sinuses or allergies or whatever the heck is going on. Unfortunately, I’ve been sick since the mini Troye Sivan concert I attended last week (check out the photos here and you can see me being mesmerized in one of them), and it’s made me nothing short of a lump. Let me tell you, it’s hard to want to be active and do all the things I should be doing when my eyes are actually burning and I can’t breathe. I know (somewhere in the back of my brain) that if I don’t get up and do all the stuff I don’t want to, though, I’m going to regret it.

Regret, that stupid word. Everyone has experienced a regret moment. Maybe you even go through it once a day. Oh, I shouldn’t have drank that third bottle of pop, I regret that. Oh, I spent time on Netflix and now it’s midnight and my homework isn’t done, I regret that. Oh, I mouthed off to my mom, I regret that. It can be an endless cycle. And I hate it! I wish I could be like that guy in Meet the Millers who tattooed a misspelled word on his chest and still didn’t regret it. Can you imagine living life that way? Letting go of the past with a snap of your fingers?

Sometimes I envy people like that. Sometimes I think, it would be so much easier for me to move on, if I could just let go.

That’s one of the hardest things for me to do (if you’ve read any other of my blog posts, you’ve probably picked up on that). I do the opposite of letting go; I sit and stew over all the stupid things I’ve done and said and thought throughout the years, and it makes it harder to walk out of my room. I think about all of my mistakes, all of the things in my almost-eighteen years of life that I regret, and I think why should I go on? If I’m just going to keep screwing up, what’s the point of trying anymore at all?

I went to meet A Great Big World two weeks ago (which, yes, it included a lot of tears), and there was this point where Chad King grabbed my arm and said, “You’re doing great, you’re doing really great at life. This is amazing, this is a journey, we’re all in it together.”

 
That kind of puts things into perspective for me. You are not the only one who has regrets, who has things that you wish you could redo or erase. Everyone goes through that, because life isn’t something that is smooth sailing and perfect. There are trials and bumps in the road, because it’s a journey. How many books have you read or movies have you seen where there aren’t any problems that the characters come across? Little if any at all, because that would be such a boring plot!

Life isn’t supposed to be a breeze. We are not clones, we are not replicas of each other, and that’s defined by the different trials and experiences we go through. Maybe there are some instances you wish hadn’t happened, maybe you wish things had turned out differently. That’s one hundred percent understandable! I don’t believe it’s a bad thing to have regrets. I just think it’s normal.

Now, should we hold onto those forever? No.

Should we let it affect how we live the rest of our lives? Not necessarily. Like I said, we aren’t machines or robots, so we don’t have to wake up with the same exact programming as the day behind us. It’s a new morning! You have another chance! As long as you keep waking up every day, you’re going to have another chance to start over, start anew, do better next time. 

My sister Erica celebrated her birthday this week, and sitting there with her for dinner reminded me of a sentence she once told me, when I was hysterical over coming clean about something I had lied about and hurt people with. She was trying to encourage me to talk about it, and said to me with complete sincerity and confidence, “You know, there’s just about nothing you can do that we can’t fix.”

  
We are not perfect. We make mistakes. Because we are human, not robots. We have to deal with emotions that sometimes fogs our decision-making process. It’s all part of the journey that we’re all on together.

You are not doomed to have ruined relationships just because you messed up with someone in the past.

You are not going to have repeats of relationships where someone hurt you because you made the wrong judgement about a person back then and thought you could trust them.

You are not always going to do the wrong thing because you’ve messed up once before.

You are not a bad person because you’ve done something bad in your past.

You are not alone. I promise.

We all make mistakes. This is a journey, and we’re all in it together.

Love always,

Sofia

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Nine

It’s been an intense week!

I started a job recently, and while it can be tiring it’s kind of cool to have something to do. Gives you meaning and whatnot.

I’ve been hanging out with my Aunt Christine a lot, too. We drive to the city and run different errands and grab lunch. The other day she took me to see one of my favorite bands, Finish Ticket, as an early birthday present. It was like the fourth time I’d seen them, but they’d always been opening for another band, so it was awesome to see a full set. It was really funny, because different fans who didn’t know much about them kept coming up to me and asking questions like I was part of the crew or something. I think it was because I knew everyone. Even their sound guy. I’m not going to lie, it made me feel kind of cool.

And, of course, I’ve been hanging out with my friends. This is still kind of a weird sentence for me. I know everyone these days is like, “I have no friends lolz.” But, in all honestly, I was pretty much alone for most of my school experience. It wasn’t until I had reached my ending high school years that I really knew that the group I’d luckily become a part of could be trusted. “Sometimes before it gets better, the darkness gets bigger” and all that.

I was actually driving in the car with two of my best friends the other day, something we do often because the three of us are kinda currently unemployed and can’t afford anything fun to do around here. I don’t remember what exactly we had been talking about, or how the topic of a certain person from my past was brought up, but it happened. And I was feeling bittersweet over the moments we’d shared, even though things ended badly. And then I said something that I don’t say often: “I miss him.”

Anna, rolling her eyes, told me, “No you don’t. You miss the idea of him.”

Now, I’m sure if Alexx and Anna are reading this, they’re laughing at how comical the situation is, because in all honestly it wasn’t that real of a “relationship.” I know that doesn’t make sense to anyone else reading this, but luckily it’s not the main point of this post.

What Anna said stuck with me. I know for a fact that I’ve said the same sentence plenty of times, maybe even to Anna herself. Nobody has ever said it to my face, though, so maybe that’s why I gave it more thought than necessary.

How often are we guilty of doing this? Of missing what a person represented rather than missing the person themselves? When you think about it that way, it sounds like a pretty crappy thing to do. Sometimes you can’t help it, though. You can’t help but see a photo from a happy time and think, “Wow, I miss feeling that way.” You can’t help but dwell on only the great memories, especially if after you cut ties with someone you’re still sad.

That’s another issue. We often believe that if we disconnect from toxic people, life would get so much better, and it’s a pretty tough disappointment when things continue to fall apart. And then that leads us to thinking, “Well if I’m still sad, I might as well go back to the person who SOMETIMES made me happy.”

Yeah, I’ve done that way too many times. And let me tell you from experience, it doesn’t fix anything. It pulls you back down to a place you don’t want to be.

What we forget is that, even though the person in that photo from a time we were once happy is gone, we are still going to have pictures where our smile is genuine. Just because that person is gone, doesn’t mean we won’t have photos where we’re enjoying life, and hanging around people who actually appreciate us. Just because the person who once made you happy is now absent, that doesn’t mean you won’t ever be happy again.

I promise.

Because in the end, yes, you might miss that time he gave you a cute nickname. You might miss the time where she hugged you when you needed it. You might miss having someone to message you back, or the way they could make you smile no matter what. But you know what I bet you don’t miss? The way they ignored your messages because he wasn’t in the mood to talk to you, or the way she only entertained conversation with you when she needed something. I bet you don’t miss how he only talked to you when he saw someone else doing it and grew jealous that you have a life that doesn’t involve him. I bet you don’t miss the way she sweet-talked you into doing something you didn’t want to do.

Like I said before in an earlier blog post… If you really think you can make things work with this person, then go for it. I wish you all the best. But if the cons are outweighing the pros and most of the time you’re around them you’re upset? Think twice about going back to them. Think more than twice. Because no matter how low you might think of yourself, you don’t deserve to be in a relationship filled with unrequited love. I’m not just talking romantically, either! I have had plenty of friendships where this applied.

So, don’t go crawling back to the idea of someone. Wait for a person who will make you miss the person themselves, and not the fleeting memories they started.

Love always,

Sofia