I have gone through being so sick since my last post. I had talked a bit about a head cold, but it got worse. I was having troubles with vertigo/nausea, or something along those lines. I have no idea what it was, but thankfully it seems to have passed! We think that it might have had something to do with my recent change of medicine.
Whatever the case may be, bleh.
In the time of being bed-ridden, I could hardly watch tv without feeling ill, so I just closed my eyes and listened to music. This, however, left room for a lot of thinking.
Never a good thing for me.
I started randomly trying to figure out what my weaknesses are. You know, the things that make me break or knock down this wall of strength and confidence that I’ve sloppily scrambled together over this past year.
I think it’s a good quality to know your sore spots, what will get you. Ironically enough, I think knowing your weaknesses can make you stronger.
In thinking about this, I have realized one thing that is ever-growing and overpowering, and that is saying goodbye.
You’d never think that such a simple action could be an Achilles heel, do you? Yet even remembering an old friend that I haven’t spoken to in four years fills me with such a strong sadness that it actually almost brings tears to my eyes. Is that weird? I feel like it’s weird.
It gets to a point where I won’t even want to meet new people or make new friends because I’m so scared of the inevitable parting from a person. On top of having trust issues, anxiety, and depression, fear was just the cherry on top of a lonely ice cream Sunday when it comes to having friends.
Sometimes, someone is such a good person to me that I “know” it’s going to end awful, because I’m going to do something to screw it up or the world is going to separate us. When this happens, I’ll try to push the person away before the bomb explodes and we’re both hurting afterwards. This also makes it hard to keep friends, because not many stick around time after time (God bless those that do, I love you with all my heart, thank you for being patient with me).
I think one of the hardest goodbyes is when it’s caused by something I’ve done wrong.
I talk a lot about how I’m around toxic people that cause me harm, and I kind of victimize myself in a lot of situations. I don’t mean to do that, I really am just trying to speak my mind about real events going on… I just sometimes fail to mention how harmful I myself can be.
I wish that I could be perfect, that I could have good and healthy relationship after good and healthy relationship, but I’m too human for that. People slip up. Good people, too, believe it or not. No one is perfect, like I said in my last post, and no one can do everything right all the time. Sometimes we say the wrong thing, or something that we don’t mean, and the words push over this domino that soon topples over the one standing next to it and so on and so forth until you’ve been unfriended by this once-so-close-to-you person on Facebook and you know you won’t be seeing them again unless it’s an accident.
But we live and we learn, and we can hope to do better next time. We can try our best to apologize (and mean it!! fake apologies don’t count), and be understanding when the other person wants to break away (to an extent; every scenario is different). Everything happens for a reason, so if you’re not meant to be friends with someone, you won’t be.
You know what else sucks? When that same scenario happens, only it was the other person’s words that were hurting you.
You know what else sucks? When someone passes away. This is probably the very worst goodbye of all.
Wow, this blog post got depressing, huh? Where’s that boost of confidence and inspiration we came here look for, Sofia?! What is this sadness??!
It’s coming, I promise. Let’s get a move on.
No matter how hard any sort of breakup can be, there are always new chances to say hello again. And no, you shouldn’t pick up the habit of avoiding everyone simply because the end result of the relationship could get ugly. That’s no way of living. That’s like if someone who has a sickness and decides that they’re just not going to look into any sort of treatment and are just going to live at home for the rest of their lives and stop doing all the things they did before. No, you can’t do that! Life is an adventure, there’s going to be bumps in the road (yeah, Fia, we get it, you said it about eight hundred times in the last post).
Here’s a life hack for you, though: there’s not just bumps. Life has so many happy moments.
Let’s say someone goes to Starbucks, and they always get a grande triple ice soy latte, every single time. It’s their regular drink, because it’s always good and they always enjoy it. Then one day, a little too much soy milk is added while the barista is making the drink, and the person hates how it tastes now. It’s so bitter that they want to throw it away, but they paid four dollars for the drink and they’re not about to pitch that money. Should this person change drinks simply because one out of the past twenty soy lattes was bad? No way. They go ahead and try to order it again next time, and it’s made just as good as they remembered it.
I think the same goes for relationships. Let’s say the person has two great friends who stick by them through whatever. They make a new friend, but that person ends up being a bit of a jerk, and kind of messes up their life. Should they give up on literally every other person on this earth because one single guy was mean? Of course not, right?
It’s easier said than done, I know. But sometimes saying goodbye, no matter how much it hurts, can be the healthiest thing to do in a situation. As the great and wonderful Taylor Swift sings so perfectly, “So it’s gonna be forever… Or it’s going to go down in flames.”
I need a rewrite of that for a mutual ending, one that wasn’t so awful… “So it’s gonna be forever… Or it’s going to go down in a very respectable way and no one is going to get burned.”
That rhymes, right? You can tell my career as a musician is totally going to skyrocket.
In all seriousness, don’t isolate yourself because you’re scared the past will replay. You have no clue as to what the future holds, so don’t give up on it just yet.
You never know what freaks you’ll meet that will take awkward squad selfies with you.