Happy belated Mother’s Day!

I’ve always liked Mother’s Day, because I am surrounded by a lot of loving female influences in my family. When it comes to loving your mom, I’m like Tyler Joseph. My mom is one of my very favorite people in the world, and I don’t know what I’d do without her.

I’m also now included as someone who is celebrated on Mother’s Day! My youngest nephew, Lukas, is also my godson, and he gets me a little something each year. This week I got a bag full of Frozen accessories and a Starbucks basket! For a little boy, he’s got pretty good tastes.

It’s crazy to think back on how many memories I have with my mom. It’s not often that I forget things, because of my weird brain (unless it’s for Chemistry tests… Grr…), so sometimes I’ll lay in bed and simply reminisce. A few years ago, for Halloween, my mom bought me a TARDIS dress from Hot Topic even though we couldn’t really afford to spend too much luxury money at the time. She saw how bad I wanted it, and I guess that was enough to prompt her. She got her money’s worth out of it, too, because I wore the heck out of that thing. I still do, even though it’s more of a shirt than a dress on me now.

It’s little things like that that stick with me forever.

Memories are weird. I’m not going to delve too much into the topic because we don’t need a group existential crisis, but it’s fascinating to me to think about how much our brains can hold. I can remember back to years ago, when my mom would drive us to school, and she’d always park in front of this bird feeder because she liked watching them fly about for food (even though I was terrified of the stupid creatures). It was a few moments of peacefulness before classes began, sitting in our minivan and listening to Black Keys by The Jonas Brothers because my mom was obsessed with that song. I brought this memory up to my mom just last night, and she laughed and remarked that she couldn’t believe I still remembered that. It’s weird what our mind stores.

A lot of memories are being wrapped up for me at the moment. Tomorrow, the people in my class will be graduating and ending their high school journey. That’s a pretty big deal. Four whole years, four years of changing and turning from a child into a young adult… It’s insane, and I can’t believe it’s over. Wasn’t I just walking into freshman orientation yesterday, trying to piece together names to the faces? How am I already seeing those names next to their senior quotes?

When I started homeschooling for my final year, I really and truly did not think I would miss out on anything. I was pretty quiet in school, no one really noticed I was there. I didn’t get invited to many parties, I wasn’t a social butterfly. I wholeheartedly felt that I wouldn’t care about missing yet another year of dances and field trips. It just didn’t matter to me. In fact, I was ecstatic about the fact that I got to stay home. I knew it would make it easy for me to focus if I wasn’t constantly worried and aware of all the people that I didn’t fit in with and that they were surrounding me.

Yet it hit me the other day that I will never go to a single school dance, I’ll never attend a prom, and it made me somber.

I’ve been told that it doesn’t really matter, that prom is overhyped and lame, and I get that. I guess I’m just freaked out that the opportunity is gone and will never be presented again. I guess, somewhere deep down, I really did want to go. I wanted to take part in something that almost everyone goes to at least once in their life. And now I just… Never will.

I’ve talked in a past blog post about how goodbyes are really hard for me, and I think that’s what’s getting to me overall. Everyone I know is going to be leaving soon, going on to really start their lives, and that’s hard for me. Suddenly we’re not just dreaming anymore, we’re putting a plan into action. We’re not going to be asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” The new question we’ll hear all the time is, “What are you doing?”

Crazy. I don’t want to grow up! I still want to feel the comfort of having my friends and family close by. All of this goodbye business is sad and unsettling and I just don’t like it that much. Why is part of becoming an adult mean that I’m isolated and on my own?

Kirstin actually messaged me something simple when I shared these feelings with her, something that gave me hope and brought just a bit of comfort: “It’s not always goodbye.”

It’s not, is it? We dwell on these major moments, something that seems so final like graduation and last days of school. It makes everything seem overwhelming, and keeps you from remembering to look at the picture as a whole.

Sure, I’m not a kid anymore in legal terms. And while that’s emotional, it doesn’t mean I’m not still going to curl up and watch Bates Motel with my mom every Monday night. I’m going to have to get a stable job, but that just means I’ll be able to do more things that I’m unable to do now. It really is all about perspective, and if I don’t want to go insane thinking about how time is slipping through my fingers then I’m going to need to change mine.

Maybe it was because I had some weird awareness of harsh reality, but, as a kid, I never wanted to be older. I didn’t want to grow up, or propel time forward. Unfortunately that’s still true, and I’m tripped up because life doesn’t really care what I want. Too bad if I want to be Peter Pan, because Neverland doesn’t exist and I’m still going to keep aging. But that’s okay. Not everything has to change. Just because my friends are leaving doesn’t necessarily mean I’m not ever going to talk to them again. Cell phones are a brilliant thing that exist.

I went to public school for three years, but decided to be homeschooled for senior year. I won’t be walking in a cap and gown with the rest of my class. Instead, when I finish my last assignment, I’ll just be done and that’s it. No big fancy ceremony. But maybe, for me, that’s for the best. Maybe that’ll make it all easier. Maybe it will feel like less of a goodbye if it remains an average day.

A chapter is closing in my life. But that’s okay. This doesn’t mean my story is over.

I’m excited to see you on the pages to come.

Love you all,

P.S: Since we’ve made it to post thirteen and thirteen is my lucky/favorite number, I decided to change the layout up a bit. I’m hoping to make things a little easier to access!! So I’m sorry if there’s any glitches or things take longer to load than usual. Bear with me!! ❤️


2 thoughts on “Thirteen

  1. Éva says:

    Wow, how much I can relate to this! Last year when I was graduating I felt like the whole world was ending. Also, I’ve always wanted to just hike to Neverland and stay there forever. Growing up sucks, maybe we can just fly off to join Peter sometime?

    Liked by 1 person

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