Twenty-Five

Have you ever been having a grand ol’ time, then something slightly insignificant to your day comes along, and suddenly your whole good mood is ruined?

That happens to me constantly, and it makes me feel weak. Like, I feel like I should be able to just get over it. I just couldn’t find my other matching sock, it’s no big deal. They just got a little irritated with me because I’m not perfect, it’s not big deal. I just have a hole in my cardigan, it’s no big deal, no one notices.
But it feels like a big deal, and it feels like the literal end of the world at times.
Sometimes I feel so insecure and gross that I’m certain these things are written all over my face and everyone else can see them too.
I was in therapy last week and I was told something that stuck with me: “Just because your brain is telling you the alphabet begins with L, that doesn’t mean it’s true.”
Now, some of you might be thinking Well, duh, your opinion can’t switch facts. But I think it really helps explain anxiety, and bring those who suffer from it a hint of comfort.
There are days where I’m so worked up that the smallest thing will feel like the end of the world. Anna could swerve off the road a little bit and my mind would instantly decide that this was it, we were going to spiral into the grass and die in an awful accident. Even though Anna was totally fine and back on the road within the next second, I still had that moment of complete fear.
It happens with the smallest of things, too, and it’s pretty taxing stuff. If one of my friends doesn’t text me back for half an hour, my mind will start telling me that I’ve ruined the relationship completely, that they want nothing to do with me and that I’m an awful person and that they’ll never speak to me again. In reality, they were taking a shower and fixing their hair so they couldn’t get back to me right away.
Even though logic will be staring me in the face sometimes, my mind will still tell me that something completely irrational to think is the cold hard fact. Sometimes, your mind convinces you that the alphabet starts with L, but that doesn’t make it true. It starts with A, and nothing will change that, right?
When you’re having a panic attack or you can feel one coming on, try to remember that. When your thoughts start racing and you can’t make them stop, try to remember that.
Just because your mind is telling you these things does not make them true.
Stay safe and lovely, lovelies.

Love you all,

Sofia.

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Twenty-Four

You know, the longer I stayed MIA, the harder it became to talk myself back into writing. I’ve been so unexplainably tired lately! I’ve already yawned twice so far since I started this post.

I became kind of a recluse for a while, keeping out of communication with most of the world, even the people I’m normally closest to. Gradually, though, I started being more chatty, and right now I’m at a point where I constantly want to be hanging out with someone! I’m so lucky to have friends who always welcome me with open arms.

Friendships are so important. Keeping them isn’t always easy, either. Just like with romantic relationships, friendships take work, sometimes lots of it. People are constantly changing, and you have to get through the rough patches as well as the good, fun ones. There are friends who leave and stop talking to you as soon as the slightest argument occurs. But then there are the really true, important friends that you love dearly and who love you back, and when you have arguements you have to hold on tight.

In the past, I’ve held on too tight. Too long. I’ve loved friends so much that I couldn’t see they were hurting me. I thought that it was full of continuous rough patches that I simply had to get over. That wasn’t the case, and it blew up in my face at the end.

There’s even been a relationship where I finally was strong enough to cut ties because I believed it would be for the best, but then the person turned around and gave me a heartfelt apology, something they’d never done before, so I decided to give them one more chance to see if they’d changed. And we’re stronger than we’ve ever been before!

I don’t think that being best friends with someone is the same kind of friendship you see on TV shows or in books. The ride or die friends that never bicker or have a disagreement. Everybody has emotions, everyone goes through changes of heart. It’s human nature, but it can challenge a relationship. Remember in High School Musical 2, where Chad was being all pissy and lame when Troy got a better job than him? In the third movie, they’re back to being best buds and jumping on cars while singing again. That’s more real life. (Yes, the singing too. What do you mean you’ve never done that?)

There’s a quote from Kirstin that I love. “People are always going to walk in and out of my life.” It’s so true!! And that can be very sad, but sometimes it’s for the best. Sometimes it’s just because you lose touch, no hard feelings intended. That’s just a part of life. But I do believe that you can stay friends with someone for years, and that the right people – people who love you without makeup or filters or fake personalities – will find you. 

It’s all a matter of working things out. There are friends who will be there solely for those times where you want to have fun. There are friends who you sometimes have to fight for. It’s not always easy to tell whether or not you should keep up the fight, in fact it rarely ever is. But I trust that, eventually, you’ll come to a conclusion. I believe in you!

By the way, how cute are these photos?? Sean and I recreated Perks of Being a Wallflower-themed poses at our high school’s bleachers. We always said we would do that once we were finished with school, and I got a little emotional thinking about how we’ve gotten this far. Do people expect us to act like adults now?? I’m going to go watch Frozen.

Love you all,

Sofia