Twenty-Eight

Ohhhh man. A busy week is ahead!

I’ve been looking forward to this week/weekend for a while. Tomorrow morning I’m leaving with my friends to go to Rosemont to see Us the Duo and Pentatonix in concert! Then, two days later, I’m seeing them again. And then I’m coming back home and meeting Troye Sivan!!

I haven’t stopped screeching.

Is it weird to meet a celebrity decked out in costume? Because I’m doing it. The Troye concert is on Halloween, and I can’t just not dress up. Can anyone guess who I’m going as?!?

I’ve always loved Halloween. October first rolls around and I’m playing that Spooky Scary Skeleton song and bringing out the big tub of Halloween movies from the basement. It also gives me a reason not to dust, because cobwebs are in (I kid, I kid).

I’m also a fan of dressing up. I love being able to be someone else for a night. I love getting to choose who you want to be, too.

Isn’t that the dream? To choose who you are. To have a choice. A lot of people think we have no say in the matter, but don’t we? You can choose to fight to be happy or stay sad. You can choose to be mean or kind. You can choose to work for something or let it go.

I think I’m looking forward to dressing up as someone else because I haven’t been the best version of myself lately. I haven’t been choosing the more positive options. I’ve been choosing the opposite of happiness, and I am indeed very sad a lot of the time. I’ve just let it take over. I’m not doing anything to change it.

I try to distract myself to keep my mind from dwelling on it, throwing myself into different projects and work and such. But that only goes so far, because at the end of the day I’m alone in my room and everything comes crashing back.

How long can we keep the costume on before everyone realizes it was only a disguise, no matter how alike you might look to it?

This Sunday and Monday, I get to dress up. I get to slip into someone else’s role. I get to choose who I want to be. But come Tuesday, I’m still going to be choosing who I am. I’m going to take the costumes off and be myself, and I’m going to try and make myself better, the best version I can be.

I hope your weekend is safe and wonderful.

Love you all,

Sofia

Twenty-Seven

Okay, so I need my city to get with the program. It is mid October. It’s time for autumn weather. It doesn’t feel right eating pumpkin spice Cheerios when it’s ninety degrees out.

It was so hot in St. Louis yesterday. Did that stop me from wearing long sleeves? Absolutely not.

I wore jeans for the first time in a while yesterday, too. I bought two new pairs for work, and they were cute so I swapped the skirt I had on for the more faded pair. For whatever reason, wearing them made my confidence plummet down. I don’t know what it was! I had just bought them because they looked good, so it was strange that my brain was telling me it was all wrong.

The worst part is that I let that seriously impact my day. My mood got at least sixty percent worse all because of a cute pair of jeans. It made me feel extra terrible because I was bringing the people I was around down with me. 

That’s one of my biggest peeves, when I do that. Yet no matter how hard I try not to do it, I mess up a lot.

I think it’s human nature, of course, but every time I fail – at anything, really – it eats at me until I’m doubting whether I’ve ever been a good person at all.

I’m pretty dramatic.

I’ve been really self-centered these past two weeks. I agree that it’s good to think of yourself and do things that are good for your health. That’s so important. But this was a whole different level. Thinking of myself got in the way of me being happy for other people when good things happened to them.

I hate that. I hate that I get that way. And it seems that no matter how hard I try to push it away, it keeps washing up on the shore again. 

I think the reason for that is probably because you can’t shove away your problems and expect them to disappear. They’re gonna stay there and you’ve gotta learn how to cope/handle them. We’ll save all that for a separate post, though. 😉

The weird thing is that I spend a lot of time being frustrated that others can’t be happy. I’ve said a few times that if I could shoulder everyone’s pain and take it on myself, I would in a heartbeat. It drives me mad when I see such good people having hate accounts made for them. I can’t believe cyber bullying is still such a problem. It’s 2016. Let’s stop with this petty hate. It’s ridiculous.

One thing that I’ve never before noticed is majorly fueling my selfishness is FOMO. Oh yes, the dreadful fear of missing out. I think that deep down everyone has the fear of missing out, at least sometimes. It sucks! Who wants to sit at home doing nothing while watching your friends have a good time?

Well, I guess that answer depends on what I’m watching on Netflix. I’d rather finish this eleventh season of Supernatural than go to Starbucks. Anyone’s free to join me, though! Bring the coffee here, haha.

You know, it’s not even always missing out on the event that’s upsetting. It’s missing out on being a part of this awesome moment with my friends. I was never the coolest person in school (seriously not), so you would think I’d be kind of used to being left out. Yet, I cried my eyes out when my friends went on a road trip without me, even though it wasn’t their fault I couldn’t go, and they shouldn’t stay home on account of me.

Ugh. You know, Mitch told me that emotions are good, and I agree with him. That phrase is like My Thing. But sometimes emotions are super frustrating, too. 

I think that the key thing to do when all of this starts to happen is remember all of the moments that I don’t miss out on. I’m going to Chicago with my friends at the end of the month, and we’re seeing Troye Sivan on Halloween! I’m seriously so excited, and I know that it will create many memories/moments that I’m lucky enough to be a part of. 

There’s a line from one of my favorite songs that I think about a lot: Count your blessings every day, it makes the monsters go away.

I love that. That s some great advice to take to heart. The negative, dark thoughts in our world have this thing about being really overpowering. To fight that, you have to remember all of the good things in life. It’s not easy, but peace is a two-way street – if you want it to find you, you have to search for it.

I hope you do. And I hope you find it.

Love you all,

Sofia


P.S.: it was my baby Hemingway’s birthday on Saturday! She turned two. She’s still the light of my life, and she still thinks I’m crazy. Isn’t her Halloween bandana cute?

Twenty-Six

FALL IS HERE!!

I can’t tell you how excited I am. Halloween, changing leaves, my favorite weather, that smell of bonfires in the air, sweaters, pumpkin spice everything!!!

Seriously, someone take money away from me. I’ve gone so crazy with all the new pumpkin spice stuff this year that I might just turn into cinnamon and squash.

I’ve also started the #chooseyourhappiness #octoberlovin challenge on my Instagram! Kirstin did this a while back, and I think it will definitely benefit me to find something I love every day during the month I adore so much. 

In other news, I’m exhausted.

Alexx, Anna and I drove to Arkansas Tuesday afternoon to see Kevin speak at Harding University. 

We had to be back by 9 AM on Wednesday because I had orientation at Old Navy.

It was about a fourteen-hour drive.

Was I miserable? Yes. Was it worth it? Definitely.

The speech was so amazing!! Kevin even performed a few pieces for us. My favorite was Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus, Alexx and I were crying.

There was a quote that he kept making us repeat throughout the speech. A mantra, if you will. And as hard as I tried to make myself remember it, I got so caught up that it didn’t stick. Lucky for me, he messaged me on twitter the exact quote so I can be accurate. 

“God is a creative God. If I am made in his image, then I must be creative as well.”

Whoa. 

I was instantly in love with that. And I think I definitely needed to hear it! 

I’ve never viewed myself as “creative.” I’m very bland. Monotone. The white crayon. So when he said that, it gave me some hope.

As someone who wants to be in the music industry more than anything in the world, I could use a lot of hope that I’m creative. It’s kind of what I need to bank on.

That was actually kind of another thing I related to with him. I’ve been so nervous about what pathway I’m supposed to be on career/lifewise. Nervous that I’m doing everything wrong.

Kevin was a premed student. But he moved to music because he felt a pull in his heart that this was the right thing, that this is what God wanted him to do.

I connected to that immensely. (Though definitely not because I’m premed. I wish I was smart enough for that.) For basically my entire life, ever since I’ve been able to write, my family and everyone around me has marked me as an author. I was supposed to write books, it’s what everyone expected of me. So I did it, and I told myself I liked it. I’ve written ten books. All unpublished, but still. Ten books takes a lot of time. I would stay up until four in the morning writing, fueled by coffee and music. I went to school with my backpack heavy; not from textbooks, but from binders and notebooks filled with stories.

But I think I always knew in my heart that it wasn’t right.

It didn’t feel right. But I knew that’s what everyone wanted me to do, what they said I was good at, so I did it.

But there was a pull in my heart telling me that it was wrong. It wasn’t where I was supposed to be.

I’ve gone through years of hiding that I wanted to be in music. I’ve said I want to be an interior designer, a journalist, a vet. You know, plausible jobs that you can plan from point A to point B on how to get there. I created stories of things that semi-interested me to sound like I had it all mapped out when people asked me what I was going to do (which is everyone’s favorite thing to do with kids, you know).

It made me miserable.

All I’ve ever wanted was to be in music. I’ve been told I’m not good at any of it, that it makes no money, that I’ll regret it… but I feel like that is truly the path I’m supposed to be on.

It might not work out, but right now it’s what I’m supposed to be doing. I can feel it in my heart.

I finally started telling everyone the truth. I don’t write books anymore. It’s not fun for me and doesn’t keep my attention. I still love to read, but I don’t want a job in that community.

And yes, I get a ton of eye rolls and disappointed/annoyed expressions from family members when I tell them I want to be a singer/songwriter. But I get over it.

I truly hope that you all find the path you’re supposed to be on. It might take a while, but I have faith in you. ❤️

Love you all,

Sofia


P.S: Katniss got all her shaggy hair shaved off!! And check out her cute festive bandana!! Thanks Kelly!