Twenty-Seven

Okay, so I need my city to get with the program. It is mid October. It’s time for autumn weather. It doesn’t feel right eating pumpkin spice Cheerios when it’s ninety degrees out.

It was so hot in St. Louis yesterday. Did that stop me from wearing long sleeves? Absolutely not.

I wore jeans for the first time in a while yesterday, too. I bought two new pairs for work, and they were cute so I swapped the skirt I had on for the more faded pair. For whatever reason, wearing them made my confidence plummet down. I don’t know what it was! I had just bought them because they looked good, so it was strange that my brain was telling me it was all wrong.

The worst part is that I let that seriously impact my day. My mood got at least sixty percent worse all because of a cute pair of jeans. It made me feel extra terrible because I was bringing the people I was around down with me. 

That’s one of my biggest peeves, when I do that. Yet no matter how hard I try not to do it, I mess up a lot.

I think it’s human nature, of course, but every time I fail – at anything, really – it eats at me until I’m doubting whether I’ve ever been a good person at all.

I’m pretty dramatic.

I’ve been really self-centered these past two weeks. I agree that it’s good to think of yourself and do things that are good for your health. That’s so important. But this was a whole different level. Thinking of myself got in the way of me being happy for other people when good things happened to them.

I hate that. I hate that I get that way. And it seems that no matter how hard I try to push it away, it keeps washing up on the shore again. 

I think the reason for that is probably because you can’t shove away your problems and expect them to disappear. They’re gonna stay there and you’ve gotta learn how to cope/handle them. We’ll save all that for a separate post, though. 😉

The weird thing is that I spend a lot of time being frustrated that others can’t be happy. I’ve said a few times that if I could shoulder everyone’s pain and take it on myself, I would in a heartbeat. It drives me mad when I see such good people having hate accounts made for them. I can’t believe cyber bullying is still such a problem. It’s 2016. Let’s stop with this petty hate. It’s ridiculous.

One thing that I’ve never before noticed is majorly fueling my selfishness is FOMO. Oh yes, the dreadful fear of missing out. I think that deep down everyone has the fear of missing out, at least sometimes. It sucks! Who wants to sit at home doing nothing while watching your friends have a good time?

Well, I guess that answer depends on what I’m watching on Netflix. I’d rather finish this eleventh season of Supernatural than go to Starbucks. Anyone’s free to join me, though! Bring the coffee here, haha.

You know, it’s not even always missing out on the event that’s upsetting. It’s missing out on being a part of this awesome moment with my friends. I was never the coolest person in school (seriously not), so you would think I’d be kind of used to being left out. Yet, I cried my eyes out when my friends went on a road trip without me, even though it wasn’t their fault I couldn’t go, and they shouldn’t stay home on account of me.

Ugh. You know, Mitch told me that emotions are good, and I agree with him. That phrase is like My Thing. But sometimes emotions are super frustrating, too. 

I think that the key thing to do when all of this starts to happen is remember all of the moments that I don’t miss out on. I’m going to Chicago with my friends at the end of the month, and we’re seeing Troye Sivan on Halloween! I’m seriously so excited, and I know that it will create many memories/moments that I’m lucky enough to be a part of. 

There’s a line from one of my favorite songs that I think about a lot: Count your blessings every day, it makes the monsters go away.

I love that. That s some great advice to take to heart. The negative, dark thoughts in our world have this thing about being really overpowering. To fight that, you have to remember all of the good things in life. It’s not easy, but peace is a two-way street – if you want it to find you, you have to search for it.

I hope you do. And I hope you find it.

Love you all,

Sofia


P.S.: it was my baby Hemingway’s birthday on Saturday! She turned two. She’s still the light of my life, and she still thinks I’m crazy. Isn’t her Halloween bandana cute?

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2 thoughts on “Twenty-Seven

  1. Bonnie says:

    It is hard being happy all the time. We have all experienced it. I does not help you by me saying this but, you are right you have to keep searching for happiness. Work and other things will always get in the way. Unfortunately that is so a part of being adult. That is why U. Jerry always wanted our kids to enjoy their younger years. Adultness (I know that is not a word,I couldn’t think of another way to explain it so I made it up,) gets in the way.
    Just keep pushing for happiness. I also suspect you looked fabulous in those jeans!.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Marylin says:

    So first off I feel quite proud of how you are evolving …but I have always been proud. I wasn’t popular in school either , quite the opposite actually but I was lucky to have family friends . I know how long a day of torture is at school. -‘and at home too actually(although that didn’t happen till adult hood) but each minute seems like and hour I know . But you survived it as well which shows you too are a strong survivor WOTH a deep down ( maybe hidden well) desire to live. Always know this. Many people struggle with deamons . But not so many are as brave as you are to face them and share the story. So thank you for that . As you are helping others try to make it through a very long day. -and journey
    2cnd . Don’t let someone’s opinion of your damn cute jeans ruin your day, life , or joy of wearing them! You look fabulous in them!!! Jealousy is an ugly trait. They need to fix their own life instead of hurting others . Hopefully she will soon. Until then…..
    OFF WITH HER HEAD!

    Ok. Ok. I know that’s harsh
    ….stay clear of anyonenand anything that will retard your recovery!

    Liked by 1 person

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