I’m getting restless. I haven’t really done anything for two weeks now, and I’m getting antsy. Don’t get me wrong, I love having lazy days (and even time to clean my house, haha), but when I have all this free time I start overthing because there’s nothing else to do.

I think my friend Emma noticed this, because she decided to drive three hours to see little ol’ me on Saturday! We haven’t seen each other since the day we met at a twenty one pilots concert in Indianapolis fourteen months ago. She showed up at my door and I shrieked.

Emma’s never been to St. Louis before, so what do you think we did? Go to the arch? The art museum? Nope, we went to Ikea. And it was awesome. I’d never been before! We also had peppermint mochas and ate lunch together and walked around downtown. It was an amazing day, but then it was over and I got sad again.

Have you ever had something so amazing happen to you that once it was over you were overwhelmed with emotions you didn’t really know how to cope with? Because that’s been me the past few days. I know that I’ve said that I should smile because it happened but I’m so sad that it’s over.

I miss singing onstage with my favorite band to thousands of people. Can you blame me?

Even through the event itself is over, the effects of the moment are still with me. It might be dramatic to say, but I feel like my life changed on that night. I got to experience how happy I could be, and it gave me hope.

That night I made a silent promise to Kirstin that I would take better care of myself, something I really wasn’t doing. I didn’t care much about my well-being or life itself, so it didn’t bother me if I was in pain or sad or both. I felt like I deserved it, and that that’s all that I would ever know.

And then October 29th happened, and things changed.

One of best friends Harley and I were talking about that night (we finally got to meet the day of the concert so we talk about how much we miss it a lot), and she mentioned how happy she was that I got picked to go onstage because it made me want to live again, and I realized that she was low key totally right. I gained a determination to fight through that hard times because I saw how good life can be.

This sounds a little like I’m repeating my last post, but I think this is a little different. On the last post I talked about how happy I was, but now I’m kind of struggling again yet I have the strength and willpower to fight through.

Ain’t misbehavin’, no, you don’t need to worry…

It used to be that anytime things started going dark, I immediately gave into the bad habits. It made things easier to push it all away. Now, I want to stay strong and actually deal with things and take care of my state, both physical and emotional. It’s been difficult. And I don’t feel 100% better. It’s not like singing with Kirstin was a button I pushed to make all bad things go away. Life doesn’t work like that, though it would be nice.

But I’m doing it. I’m fighting to stay strong.

I chose an apple over ice cream for a snack today, so I think I’m on a good path.

Love you all,




I’m sure you all knew I would write about this.

The funny and amazing thing is, I have been planning on writing about Kirstin for chapter 29 for about a month now! You’ll find out why towards the end of the post. 😉

I have never, ever been this happy in my life.

Am I sad that it’s over? Extremely. Devastated. Yesterday my snapchat story hit the twenty-four hour mark and erased and I cried over it for thirty minutes.

But, what’s that old, overused saying? “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”

And boy, am I smiling.

I even posted a non-filtered, no makeup selfie on twitter yesterday morning! I have never done that and never thought I would because of how self conscious I am, especially after not having slept more than three hours since last Thursday. But I wanted to capture the memory of being this ecstatic, this content.

For those of you who don’t know what happened, I went to another Pentatonix show in Champaign on Saturday. Alexx and I had VIP, but for the first time ever the show was better for me than actually meeting them. (Though Kirstin told me she loved seeing my songs on twitter and I nearly bawled right in front of her.)

During every Pentatonix show on this tour, the band has set out beanbags on stage and each of them call a person up to sing the song Misbehavin with them.

Ever since it started, I have never wanted anything more.

That might be dramatic but it’s true! It was my complete dream. As someone who wants to be a musician, singing with your favorite band is about as goals as it gets.

Never in a million years did I think I would get picked, much less by the person I look up to more than anyone. 

But it happened.

And it was everything I’ve ever wanted and more. I honestly don’t know how I held it together throughout the song, especially because I’m a super emotional person. I think mixed with how ecstatic and shocked I was it made me able to function. And I remember every second! Kirstin said she liked my nails.

Every now and then, it’ll come back to me: I sang with Pentatonix. And then I start crying again.

I wish I was kidding.

The day after the show I was at home and finally let myself watch the video my friend’s grandma took, and I cried for two hours. I looked at the tweets she sent Alexx and I about the scrapbook we made her, remembered Kirstin crying about it, and sobbed more. I also sent a bunch of sappy videos to a few of the people I love, and it was a complete mess.

I’ve been very emotional since it happened. Perfect time for a blog post, right?

This year has been very, very hard for me. There were times I wasn’t sure how or if I’d make it through, and a lot of stuff I never saw coming nor knew how to handle hit me right in the face. I haven’t been truly and honestly happy in what feels like a very long time.

As soon as I got off that stage, I said to my friends that I was so happy to be alive.

Is that dramatic? Maybe? I don’t think so. I think the whole night showed me that good and amazing moments really are possible, and there are times where fighting through the hard times really do feel worth it. If you had told me back in February or even August that I would feel like this or that my wildest dream would come true, I would’ve rolled my eyes and shook my head. I wouldn’t have believed you! And yet, here I am. It’s a reality for me.

I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging, and I’m sorry if I do. What I’m trying to get across is that you never know what the future is going to hold. You might think this awful moment you might be in is forever, but it’s not. That sounds cliche, but it’s so true!! Kirstin Maldonado said she loved my singing. Anything really can happen.

And I think that fantastic things are waiting for each and every one of you.

The struggle is worth it. And you are strong enough to get through.

I wear Kirstin’s bracelet that she sells on her merch store every day. It says “you are strong,” and on the flip side, “don’t forget that.” And it’s a wonderful reminder. It makes me feel stronger just looking at it. It was the thing I looked at to help me get through those rough times, and it was on my wrist when I was singing next to Kirstin herself.

And to celebrate reaching almost thirty posts and a little over a year on this blog, I want to give one to someone else who doesn’t have it, because I think everyone deserves that reminder.

Go check out my twitter for details on how to win! If you don’t know my username you can click here and it’ll take you to it.

And if you don’t win, here’s the reminder for you to come back to whenever you may need it:

You are strong.
Don’t forget that. 

You might not believe it. I didn’t either. But it’s true.

Love you all,


P.S: thank you to everyone for your kindness and for sharing the happiness for me. You’re part of the reason it was all so great. ❤️