Thirty-Three

Ahhhhhh.

That was my sigh of relief.

I’m super sad that Christmas is over, but man did it feel hectic this year! I’m excited to have some days off work and recoup (and get my house back in order, good grief).

It always seems that there’s all this buildup to Christmas and then with a snap of the fingers it’s over. Anyone else keep their tree up and watch holiday movies until January?

Now that that holiday is out of the way, though, we’ve got New Years right around the corner.

I’ve always had kind of a hard time with New Years. I love a good existential crisis about time!

I was thinking back on the past year, trying to determine how I felt about 2016. At first thought, I felt like I hated this year. A lot of bad stuff happened, personally and in general. It seemed that this year was filled with giving up and feeling weighed down.

But then I looked past all of the negative and remembered all of the really, really good memories I had from 2016, and there were quite a lot of them! Scrolling back through this blog is pure proof of that, and I’m so grateful to have write-worthy moments. It proves that life is worth sticking around for. 

So, was the year good or bad?

I think what I’m going to say was that it was a year. And we made it through, both with smiles and tears. We’re still here, though we’ve lost and gained a lot. I think that, for me, 2016 was definitely one for the books.

I’m nervous for the new year because change, endings and beginnings make me super duper anxious. But I’ll hold on tight to fragile hearts, and keep my friends forever by my side. We’ll tackle it together.

I’m sending my very best wishes to you for a happy new year. What’s everyone doing to celebrate? I think I’ll probably sit at home and watch the ball drop, I don’t really have any parties planned. 😜

Love you all,

Sofia

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Thirty-Two

So, here we go.

I try not to get too much into depression and stuff like that on here, because I want this to be a happy blog and not a bunch of posts about me complaining. But things have been hard lately, and I feel like acting otherwise on here will make it worse.

I have a love/hate relationship with Christmastime. On the one hand, there’s movies and music and just that warm feeling that everyone talks about going around. On the other hand, there’s existential crisis’ and mental or nervous breakdowns. You know, the usual.

I was at my nephew’s Christmas recital and sitting in a pew of the church I’d grown up in, next to the giant tree that I’d known since I was a baby. It seemed like just yesterday I was one of the kids performing up at the altar, relaying the story of Christmas to my video-taping family. Now I was with the adults and watching my youngest nephew who is now five do the same thing I used to. It made me think of how much time had passed, of how it was going to keep passing, and I just started crying because it was so overwhelming. My family thought I was a proper weirdo.

I think the term “choosing happiness” is thrown around really lightly when it’s not always that easy to do. I have my role models like Kirstin and Shay to look up to and hear about how it’s a struggle but I can do it, and then I try and it’s a train wreck. It’s so hard sometimes. I feel like I’ve let Kirstin down, which may not seem like a big deal to some people but it is to me.

I know that deep down is a part of me that doesn’t want any of this, who didn’t ask for this. Who would, right? The core part of me doesn’t want to stop existing all the time, nor does it wish for me to be a danger to myself. But that part of me is often drowned out by my mind, which is telling me that I do want these things and that I deserve all of it.

Choosing happiness is a struggle because it involves finding that tiny piece of you that is fighting your mind and making it grow. No easy task, if you ask me.

One piece of advice I always give out when people come to me is to write down a list of happy moments in your life on a physical piece of paper that you can hold and read. Then, when things start getting tough, look at it and remember each one. Bring back how awesome you felt in that moment. It doesn’t necessarily fix things and make your bad mood go away, but I find that it really does help.

I added one thing this morning. I’ve been a little MIA for a few days because I snapped (for lack of a better word), and I didn’t think anyone even noticed. Come to find out that there were a few who did, who noticed and cared and were worried. That was mind-boggling to me. I don’t deserve to be worried about. I’m not that important.

See, that’s my mind talking. But this act brought out that small core part of me that told me Yes, you are loved. Yes, they worry because you mean something to them.





Have you ever seen Rise of the Guardians? It’s a great movie, I watch it a lot, especially at Christmastime. There’s this scene where Santa is talking to Jack Frost, asking him what “his center is.” Then he takes out one of those doll things where you uncap each one to find a smaller one inside. You know the ones? He says that these outer shells aren’t what really makes him who he is. They’re parts of him, but they’re not really who he is. It’s the smallest and final doll that shows his center that depicts who he is as a person, what the root value is. 

These negative thoughts? They’re not who you really are. Those shouts of you’re not important and no one will miss you if you leave are your outer shells. At the very end, when you uncap that final negative thought, there’s something else there that really shows who you are. What do you think your center is? What is it saying?

I think mine is I am happy to be alive.

I’m just working on getting those pesky outer shells off. They seem to be pretty stuck together right now.

You should try making one of those happy moment lists I mentioned! I added going to New York and meeting one of my best friends last week. She was even more perfect in person.

I also got to add going to Kings in Pittsburg and eating where Logan Lerman, Ezra Miller and Emma Watson sat to film The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I got to go through the tunnel from the movie/book, blaring Pentatonix’s song New Years Day with the windows down and my friends at my side.


As the list gets longer, it gets more encouraging. When I think about giving up, I look at that list and think that in all of these moments I was happy to be alive. And that’s quite helpful. They’re moments worth fighting for. Life isn’t going to be all daisies. “It was hard to get where you are, and it’s going to be hard getting to where you’re going.” But the happy moments are still there, they’re still going to happen. They’re not just going to disappear because you’re having a rough time right now.

And if you think that you don’t deserve to have those happy moments, then you’re wrong. Because people make mistakes. We’re human, and a lot of times we can work it out. You still deserve to be happy, okay?

I should take my own advice, ha.

Let’s work on getting better together.

Love you all,

Sofia

Thirty-One

For most of my life, I’ve been scared.

Ever since I was little, my anxiety was the one in charge. I couldn’t stay at anyone’s house overnight but my own, and I sat in torture instead of asking my teacher to go to the bathroom.

My life and the things I do have always been centered around this ball of anxious fear inside my chest and stomach. And it sucks. Not to mention it’s exhausting, it really is!

No, don’t do that.

No, don’t go there.

You can’t, something terrible will happen.

Stay home, if you go you’re going to die.

This irrational thinking kept me from doing a lot of fun things. I couldn’t go camping, attend sleepovers, or even make friends because I was so scared to talk to someone. I missed out on a lot.
Even now, I feel unsettled and sometimes have panic attacks if I stray too far from home or sleep somewhere that isn’t my normal bed. It’s so annoying!

But lately I’ve been trying to push myself out of my comfort zone. Normally I just let myself accept that I have certain rules to abide by, but now I realize those rules are ludicrous. I don’t want to let my anxiety take over my life anymore! I want to be the one in charge. I want to start living instead of hiding.

We’ll see how this goes. You should try with me if you’ve been thinking about this as well. 😊

Love you all,

Sofia
P.S: I got to cross another concert off my bucket list! I saw The 1975 on Tuesday with my mom and I cried the whole time.