Fourteen

Hey guys!

I’m sorry it’s been forever, I haven’t been feeling my best lately. But I’m doing good today so I thought I’d write a bit!

Summer is upon us for most of you, right? I’m pretty jealous. Because of some difficulties I had at the start of the school year, I began my studies a bit late, so I probably won’t be done until July or so.

I was looking through some old photos I have the other day and had one of those nostalgic reminiscing days (no, I actually didn’t cry!!). It’s strange for me to see the image of a little girl with long brown hair and a Dorothy Gale costume on and realize that at one point that was me.

  
Have you ever thought about what you would say to your younger self? It’s a pretty common question that’s asked. But really, what advice would you give? (If any of you wanna leave what you would say in the comments below I’d love to read them!!)

I think that I would say… Nothing is going to turn out the way you had planned. But it’ll be okay.

I’m serious! If you’d asked me a year ago I’d probably say that I would tell my younger self that your weight doesn’t define you or your beauty, or something about friends. But now? I would one hundred percent tell my younger self that things are going to spin out of your control, but that doesn’t mean your world is going to end. I think it would’ve been very beneficial to me to know this piece of information. It would’ve made things easier.

I remember when my school had my senior prom a little while ago, and I didn’t go. When I was starting homeschooling, I knew I wouldn’t care. I’ve talked about this in a old post. I never have fit in with people, so going to a gathering of kids that I don’t belong with and plummeting into an ocean of social anxiety did not sound appealing in any way. It still doesn’t. The only part I wanted to participate in was the dressing up in the pretty gown.

But on the night of prom, when I was sitting alone in my room and kids from my class were posting pictures of their makeup and hair and outfits, I still cried.
I remember walking into my mom’s room with that pitiful wobbly lower lip as I tried to hold back my emotions, and when she asked me what was wrong I just came undone. She pulled me into a hug and said, “I thought you didn’t care.”

I told her, “I don’t. I don’t want to go. It’s just that as a kid I had all of these expectations, about how I would have a boyfriend in high school, about how I would go to the prom and be apart of something great and make a ton of memories. Instead, no one likes me and the only memory I have is walking through the halls and wishing I had someone to walk with to class.”

As a kid, you don’t plan for stuff like that to happen. At least I didn’t. 

I was always fascinated by the idea of love. I always thought I would have one of those cutesy romances I read about in books, that I would go to prom and have the best-friend-turned-boyfriend dancing by my side.

Sigh. Shoutout to Disney.

When you’re a kid, you don’t plan to be rejected by your classmates. You don’t plan to not be able to say things you mean. You don’t plan on being the weird kid, or on eating lunch in the bathroom stall because you’re too scared of the cafeteria. I thought that I’d have at least one person ask me out, and yet here I am at eighteen and I’ve never so much as held hands with a guy.

As a kid, I didn’t expect my thoughts to get out of hand. I didn’t expect to have nights where I’d lay in bed and just wish with everything I had to stop existing, if just for a little while. I don’t think anyone expects that.

So when this all started to happen, I was pretty crushed and freaked out about it.
But you know what? I bet there was a time when no one expected an a Capella group that won The Sing-Off to win two Grammys and be number one on the Billboard charts.

  
I bet there was a time when no one expected gay rights to be legalized in all fifty states.

  
I bet there was a time when no one could fathom all of the things a smart phone could do (and that wasn’t very long ago!!!).

  

But when those things happened, did they turn out bad?

Nope.

And everything is still okay. Your world is still in one piece. You’re still breathing, you’re still alright.

Just because things didn’t turn out as plan doesn’t mean they can’t be amazing.

How boring would life be if everything was expected, anyway?

So, please take the advice that I’d give to my younger self and carry it with you: things aren’t always going to go as you imagined, but it’s going to be okay. More than okay, even.

I promise.

  
Love you all,

Sofia

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