Nineteen

I am guilty of a lot of things.

I’m guilting of not always eating my healthiest, even though I know I should. It’s just so easy to give into a third night of Taco Bell because it sounds so much better than that chicken and green beans waiting for me at home. (C’mon, have you had spicy tostadas?)

I’m guilty of procrastinating. I mean, that homework is still going to be there after I rewatch this episode of One Tree Hill, right?

I’m guilty of taking the blessings I have for granted, no matter how hard I try not to. I’m always wanting something more.

I think one of the biggest things I’m guilty of is being unable to let things go.
Seriously, the smallest things nag at my mind for the longest time. Now, sometimes that’s not so bad. A friend can compliment my eyes and I’ll think about that for days, and then every once in a while at random moments. But if they hurt my feelings… that could hurt for days and days and days.

Isn’t it weird how that works? You could be bombarded with compliments, dozens of nice things, yet whenever one negative thing is said that’s all you can focus on.

I can just see all the men running right now.

I’ll admit it, I’m such a sensitive person. My brain is, like, set on this routine. If someone says something mean or passive-aggressive about me, my mind automatically takes it, processes it, and translates whatever it was into a script about how awful and cruel I am, how no one will ever love me because I’m the evil villain of the story.

My mind’s favorite thing to say to me is that I destroy everything I touch or come near. I chase people away. I become so intolerable that it’s impossible to want to be within a thousand-yard radius of me.

This happens all because I made one person upset or pissed off. Which sucks, because you’re always going to have people that you upset or piss off. You can’t make everyone happy, no matter how hard you try. Is that an excuse to give up trying and be a total jerk to everyone around you? Um, no. Don’t do that. Ultimately, I think by making everyone else unhappy, you can become unhappy yourself.

When I explain this self-attacking predicament to people, some call me sensitive. Some say I’m a baby, that I need to toughen up. I get that. I usually agree with them. Do you know one of the number one reasons people say is at fault for my fear of messing up/thinking I’ll never be loved/getting so upset when someone I don’t really know that well or hasn’t been good to me leaves? It’s the reason people bring up most often, the one I despise hearing.

Daddy issues.

Ick. 

Totally cringe-worthy, right?

But, sometimes I wonder… are they right? Is there some truth to that?

My dad hasn’t been in my life since I was very little. I was pretty much the poster child for waiting on the porch for a dad that never showed. I haven’t even spoken to him in five years, and we didn’t exactly end on what you would call a good note.

Sometimes I’ll be out in public and see a father with their child or children. Getting frozen yogurt, going to the park, making fun out of shopping. Just seeing them together will make me feel some sort of jealousy. How messed up is that? And then I’ll think, shouldn’t I have moved on by now?

I’ll get so annoyed with myself. Yeah, your parent isn’t around. He doesn’t want to be your dad. Blah, blah, poor you. Grow up. Get over it.

But then something like Father’s Day will come around, and I’m back to pitying myself all over again. When I found a picture of my dad and I together, I kept it in a box in my room. It still hurts, and I can’t let it go, no matter how many times I scold myself for it.

So, honestly… Could all that crap be the underlying cause of my problem?

Could the fact that I formed a habit of giving out second chances time and time again as a child for my dad be the reason I continue to do the same damn thing to people who don’t treat me right?

Is my dad the main reason I’m such a pushover?

It’s annoying for me to seriously consider because of that stupid term – daddy issues – but… maybe.

I didn’t know any better as a kid, because my innocent mind was sure my dad loved me and would do anything for his children. I was blind to the truth. Maybe that stayed.

I’m always asking myself why I stay in such toxic relationships, why I can’t let go… Maybe I’m just blind.

But you know what? I think it’ll be okay.

It’s hard to remember at times, but there are good people who stay. They do exist.

And one day, who knows. Maybe I’ll find someone who will prove me wrong, someone I never have to worry about letting go. It won’t be much of a problem anymore, then.

My normal self would tell me I’m getting too lost in a fairytale.

Last August, I went to a Kelly Clarkson concert. Now, I’ll be real… I wasn’t an avid Kelly listener. I went to the concert because Pentatonix was the opening act. (Where’s that picture of me with them where I look super gross and awkward?)

I knew Kelly’s hits, like almost everyone does. I’ve screamed into my hairbrush the lyrics of Since You’ve Been Gone in my room.

There was one song I hadn’t heard before that night, the title song of her album. Piece by Piece. 




She’s sprung countless tears with the single. Some of my own happened that night. She sang it with just her and the piano, so you can really hear the lyrics, and I remember being struck by a few lines in particular…

He never walks away. He never asks for money. He takes care of me. He loves me. Piece by piece, he restored my faith that a man could be kind and a father could stay.

Whoa.

Forget fairytale, I want that.

And maybe it’ll never happen, for me. But the fact that it can happen, that hope isn’t lost… that makes me really happy. I love that.

I’ve really rambled in this post, huh? Sorry about that. I’ve been thinking about this a lot because I’ve been trying to understand why I feel the way I feel and why I do the things I do. Sometimes the answers are hard to see. But when you see them… it almost makes stuff easier to handle.

I hope you find all of your answers.

Love you all,

Sofia

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