Ten

As I write this, I’m sitting under four blankets despite the fact that it’s supposed to be Spring, and my eyes are watering as I try to watch Shaytards vlogs while I cough my lungs out thanks to sinuses or allergies or whatever the heck is going on. Unfortunately, I’ve been sick since the mini Troye Sivan concert I attended last week (check out the photos here and you can see me being mesmerized in one of them), and it’s made me nothing short of a lump. Let me tell you, it’s hard to want to be active and do all the things I should be doing when my eyes are actually burning and I can’t breathe. I know (somewhere in the back of my brain) that if I don’t get up and do all the stuff I don’t want to, though, I’m going to regret it.

Regret, that stupid word. Everyone has experienced a regret moment. Maybe you even go through it once a day. Oh, I shouldn’t have drank that third bottle of pop, I regret that. Oh, I spent time on Netflix and now it’s midnight and my homework isn’t done, I regret that. Oh, I mouthed off to my mom, I regret that. It can be an endless cycle. And I hate it! I wish I could be like that guy in Meet the Millers who tattooed a misspelled word on his chest and still didn’t regret it. Can you imagine living life that way? Letting go of the past with a snap of your fingers?

Sometimes I envy people like that. Sometimes I think, it would be so much easier for me to move on, if I could just let go.

That’s one of the hardest things for me to do (if you’ve read any other of my blog posts, you’ve probably picked up on that). I do the opposite of letting go; I sit and stew over all the stupid things I’ve done and said and thought throughout the years, and it makes it harder to walk out of my room. I think about all of my mistakes, all of the things in my almost-eighteen years of life that I regret, and I think why should I go on? If I’m just going to keep screwing up, what’s the point of trying anymore at all?

I went to meet A Great Big World two weeks ago (which, yes, it included a lot of tears), and there was this point where Chad King grabbed my arm and said, “You’re doing great, you’re doing really great at life. This is amazing, this is a journey, we’re all in it together.”

 
That kind of puts things into perspective for me. You are not the only one who has regrets, who has things that you wish you could redo or erase. Everyone goes through that, because life isn’t something that is smooth sailing and perfect. There are trials and bumps in the road, because it’s a journey. How many books have you read or movies have you seen where there aren’t any problems that the characters come across? Little if any at all, because that would be such a boring plot!

Life isn’t supposed to be a breeze. We are not clones, we are not replicas of each other, and that’s defined by the different trials and experiences we go through. Maybe there are some instances you wish hadn’t happened, maybe you wish things had turned out differently. That’s one hundred percent understandable! I don’t believe it’s a bad thing to have regrets. I just think it’s normal.

Now, should we hold onto those forever? No.

Should we let it affect how we live the rest of our lives? Not necessarily. Like I said, we aren’t machines or robots, so we don’t have to wake up with the same exact programming as the day behind us. It’s a new morning! You have another chance! As long as you keep waking up every day, you’re going to have another chance to start over, start anew, do better next time. 

My sister Erica celebrated her birthday this week, and sitting there with her for dinner reminded me of a sentence she once told me, when I was hysterical over coming clean about something I had lied about and hurt people with. She was trying to encourage me to talk about it, and said to me with complete sincerity and confidence, “You know, there’s just about nothing you can do that we can’t fix.”

  
We are not perfect. We make mistakes. Because we are human, not robots. We have to deal with emotions that sometimes fogs our decision-making process. It’s all part of the journey that we’re all on together.

You are not doomed to have ruined relationships just because you messed up with someone in the past.

You are not going to have repeats of relationships where someone hurt you because you made the wrong judgement about a person back then and thought you could trust them.

You are not always going to do the wrong thing because you’ve messed up once before.

You are not a bad person because you’ve done something bad in your past.

You are not alone. I promise.

We all make mistakes. This is a journey, and we’re all in it together.

Love always,

Sofia