I’m getting restless. I haven’t really done anything for two weeks now, and I’m getting antsy. Don’t get me wrong, I love having lazy days (and even time to clean my house, haha), but when I have all this free time I start overthing because there’s nothing else to do.

I think my friend Emma noticed this, because she decided to drive three hours to see little ol’ me on Saturday! We haven’t seen each other since the day we met at a twenty one pilots concert in Indianapolis fourteen months ago. She showed up at my door and I shrieked.

Emma’s never been to St. Louis before, so what do you think we did? Go to the arch? The art museum? Nope, we went to Ikea. And it was awesome. I’d never been before! We also had peppermint mochas and ate lunch together and walked around downtown. It was an amazing day, but then it was over and I got sad again.

Have you ever had something so amazing happen to you that once it was over you were overwhelmed with emotions you didn’t really know how to cope with? Because that’s been me the past few days. I know that I’ve said that I should smile because it happened but I’m so sad that it’s over.

I miss singing onstage with my favorite band to thousands of people. Can you blame me?

Even through the event itself is over, the effects of the moment are still with me. It might be dramatic to say, but I feel like my life changed on that night. I got to experience how happy I could be, and it gave me hope.

That night I made a silent promise to Kirstin that I would take better care of myself, something I really wasn’t doing. I didn’t care much about my well-being or life itself, so it didn’t bother me if I was in pain or sad or both. I felt like I deserved it, and that that’s all that I would ever know.

And then October 29th happened, and things changed.

One of best friends Harley and I were talking about that night (we finally got to meet the day of the concert so we talk about how much we miss it a lot), and she mentioned how happy she was that I got picked to go onstage because it made me want to live again, and I realized that she was low key totally right. I gained a determination to fight through that hard times because I saw how good life can be.

This sounds a little like I’m repeating my last post, but I think this is a little different. On the last post I talked about how happy I was, but now I’m kind of struggling again yet I have the strength and willpower to fight through.

Ain’t misbehavin’, no, you don’t need to worry…

It used to be that anytime things started going dark, I immediately gave into the bad habits. It made things easier to push it all away. Now, I want to stay strong and actually deal with things and take care of my state, both physical and emotional. It’s been difficult. And I don’t feel 100% better. It’s not like singing with Kirstin was a button I pushed to make all bad things go away. Life doesn’t work like that, though it would be nice.

But I’m doing it. I’m fighting to stay strong.

I chose an apple over ice cream for a snack today, so I think I’m on a good path.

Love you all,