Twenty-Five

Have you ever been having a grand ol’ time, then something slightly insignificant to your day comes along, and suddenly your whole good mood is ruined?

That happens to me constantly, and it makes me feel weak. Like, I feel like I should be able to just get over it. I just couldn’t find my other matching sock, it’s no big deal. They just got a little irritated with me because I’m not perfect, it’s not big deal. I just have a hole in my cardigan, it’s no big deal, no one notices.
But it feels like a big deal, and it feels like the literal end of the world at times.
Sometimes I feel so insecure and gross that I’m certain these things are written all over my face and everyone else can see them too.
I was in therapy last week and I was told something that stuck with me: “Just because your brain is telling you the alphabet begins with L, that doesn’t mean it’s true.”
Now, some of you might be thinking Well, duh, your opinion can’t switch facts. But I think it really helps explain anxiety, and bring those who suffer from it a hint of comfort.
There are days where I’m so worked up that the smallest thing will feel like the end of the world. Anna could swerve off the road a little bit and my mind would instantly decide that this was it, we were going to spiral into the grass and die in an awful accident. Even though Anna was totally fine and back on the road within the next second, I still had that moment of complete fear.
It happens with the smallest of things, too, and it’s pretty taxing stuff. If one of my friends doesn’t text me back for half an hour, my mind will start telling me that I’ve ruined the relationship completely, that they want nothing to do with me and that I’m an awful person and that they’ll never speak to me again. In reality, they were taking a shower and fixing their hair so they couldn’t get back to me right away.
Even though logic will be staring me in the face sometimes, my mind will still tell me that something completely irrational to think is the cold hard fact. Sometimes, your mind convinces you that the alphabet starts with L, but that doesn’t make it true. It starts with A, and nothing will change that, right?
When you’re having a panic attack or you can feel one coming on, try to remember that. When your thoughts start racing and you can’t make them stop, try to remember that.
Just because your mind is telling you these things does not make them true.
Stay safe and lovely, lovelies.

Love you all,

Sofia.