Twenty-One

Twenty-one. My second favorite number. And when there’s favorite numbers, there’s posts that are about to get real.

I’ve always set my expectations too high.

And I think that a lot of times through social media – this blog especially – I wind up putting this image of myself in people’s heads that’s a lot different than what I’m like as a person in real life.

I hope that I don’t come across as this bubbly, over-positive person that thinks she has all the answers. Not that there would be anything wrong with that. More positivity? Sign me right up. It’s just that that’s not who I really am.

I try really hard to be more like that. I want to be a positive person that makes others feel good, not someone who mopes and whines about teeny tiny things that at the end of the day don’t matter at all. I want to be this person who takes advice to heart, someone who practices what they preach.

Sometimes I am. Sometimes I have good days where it’s easy.

But I have a lot of bad days.

I have days where I fail to remind myself that there is always something good in the overwhelming dark, but I write about doing so because I want others to so badly.

I like to make myself believe that nothing’s wrong with me or the situations I’m in. Apparently I belittle my problems… Or at least that’s what I’m told. 😛

That’s really, really not a good thing to do. I’m not saying that complaining 24/7 about every tiny little thing is, because we all know it’s not. But if you want the sad stuff you’re feeling to go away, you have to first admit it’s there. It’s a choice, to want to be happy, I’ve heard it countless times from Shay and Kirstin. And I really do want to be happy. I want it more than anything. I think that I’m working towards that in the wrong way, though, because I don’t always take very good care of myself.

My version of dealing with a problem is sitting on my floor and crying my eyes out while See Through plays on a loop until the ugly thoughts pass. Healthy? Not really, haha. Though it is a good song.

That’s not solving anything. That’s covering the problem up for the moment to deal with later. And you will, too, because it’ll be waiting for you bigger and better than ever.

I think that a step I should be taking is admitting and coming to terms with the fact that the things that are happening are, in fact, happening. Like I said, I don’t want to come across as some Pleasantville know-it-all because that’s not me. It’s really not.

I feel lost, a lot. I have depression and anxiety that I don’t always know how to deal with. It’s like I’ve been given this object, but it’s so heavy I’m struggling to hold it but there’s nowhere else to put it. (I can’t put it on the ground because it’ll ruin the carpet, duh.)

I’m a sad person. And, sometimes because of that, I can be a mean person. I don’t ever intentionally say something rude or hurtful, but it slips on occasion. I’m not really good with words. There are moments where I don’t like the person I am, because she’s not good. She’s selfish because she’s so lost in her thoughts and overwhelmed by them that she can’t see anything else. She snaps at the tiniest thing because she’s not sure how to handle what’s going on in her head.

I’m not trying to make myself sound like a depressing poem. I’m not poetic. I write about different things I go through, sure, but that’s mostly as an outlet or as a way to reach out to people who might be going through the same thing. But if I could have someone take it all away? Oh man, I would. I don’t look at my depression/anxiety as a lifestyle or something to brag about. It’s a burden and I can’t stand it.

It’s really hard to keep friendships because of it, too. I used to be convinced I was riddled with this thing I dubbed the “one-year curse.” It seemed that I couldn’t keep friends with anyone for more than a year, sometimes on the mark. I once had someone tell me that I could hit them with a truck and they’d still be my friend, yet four months later they started to ignore my calls. There was no major falling out, either. It just happened one day.

I get it, honestly. I’m not an excellent person to be friends with. I think my heart is in the right place, but sometimes I feel like I don’t know how to act like a normal human being. And it’s hard. So I understand why it’s difficult to be around me. 

Remember how I said sometimes these thoughts and emotions are like a heavy weight? Have you ever held something super heavy and found it hard to focus on anything else? Talk to anyone else? All you can think about is this stupid thing causing you discomfort and pain and how badly you want to get rid of it. That’s kind of what it’s like for me.

I saw a quote on tumblr the other day that said, “Those who are hardest to love need it the most.” It kinda hit me; one of those things that you read that make you blink and look up from your phone for a second.

I’m not going to be some macho, independent superhuman (at least, not in this post, teehee) and say I don’t need love. I do. I don’t do well on my own, and I don’t like it. Don’t get me wrong, I love those nights where I’m snuggled up in my bed with a cuppa coffee and a good book or a Netflix binge watch (Stranger Things, what’s good), but it isn’t long before I’m wishing someone would go for a drive with me so I don’t have to be stuck in my room by myself. I get scared when I have to do things on my own. That is tough, though, because like I said before, I’m not always at my best.

I’m not saying that you should let people drag you around just because you think they need your love. Maybe they do, but it gets to a point where you’ve got to remember your own health, too. ⭐️
I guess that this whole blog post summed up is… I’m kind of a train wreck sometimes. But I’m always trying to be better, happier, kinder. I really am. I want to be those things with all of my heart. Do I fail? At my weak points, yes. There’s a lot of things I’ve done that I look back on and feel horrible about. There are things I’ve blown out of proportion or not handled in the best way. Not every relationship is perfect, especially at my age, because we’re all trying to figure out what the hell is going on.

So, no, I’m definitely not some innocent victim that gets burned. I’m not happy all of the time. I have really, really sucky days where I don’t take the advice I know I should, and days when I just plain don’t know what to do at all.

But there’s this thing that Scott has said before he started to sing New Year’s Day. He said, “Tomorrow is a new day. You can always start again.” Just because I messed up today doesn’t guarantee the fact that I will tomorrow.

I’m human. I’ve made mistakes. Heaven knows I will again. But I guess all I can do is try my best to be my best. I learn from my mistakes and try to do better next time.

I think that when your life gets really dark, you can be the person that brings forth light. It’s hard, but simply trying never hurts, even if that’s all you can do at times.

I hope I’ll take my own advice for once.

Love you all,

Sofia
P.S: thanks to those who have understood + stuck around

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