Thirty-Seven

I forgot how difficult school was.

Not even in the homework way. Academically, I’m doing fine. It’s the sitting for hours in the same cold spot with rules and proper etiquette. It’s the waking up at seven in the morning and having a routine to get ready when I’m so tired. It’s being around a constant classroom of people talking and moving and breathing and… ugh. It’s a lot.

At least when I’m at work I have moments to myself. I don’t usually work register so I have tasks on my own usually, and the only people I see are customers, but even they aren’t always passing by because I’m tucked away in the crook of the store. When I’m at school, I’m on display at all times. I can feel imaginary holes burning in the back of my head. It’s exhausting!

It messes a lot with my anxiety, which often makes it hard to learn. How can I possibly be asked to pay attention when there are two strangers minding their own business on either side of me? I’m just constantly thinking. Oh my god they’re totally thinking about how bad I look, they think I’m annoying, look at the way they eyed me like that! I want to disappear. 

This, of course, is a normal routine for me. Anxiety is a constant friend that won’t go home, even though you’ve strongly hinted that you want to stop hanging out. What do I do? Try to cope with it.

Which, of course, is easy to say. Not so easy to do. 

Anxiety can really affect some aspects of my life. Worse than not being able to focus in school. 

There are times – usually at night – that I have total meltdowns. During this time, I feel like I lose a lot of control. When the morning after a meltdown rolls around, I wake up and scroll through my old texts from the night before to survey the damage. There’s a joke from John Mulaney (who – eek! – I’m seeing live this week) where he says that when you’re a drinker you have the excuse of saying, “I’m really sorry about saying that last night, I was just so drunk.” When you don’t drink, you can only say, “I’m sorry about what I said last night, it’s just that I’m mean and loud.”

Me.

It kinda really it though! (Makes me sound like such a catch, huh.) I say things I wish I wouldn’t have, in the way where I unleash a dramatic ranting on a friend who is now overwhelmed. It’s like my existential crises’ build up and then I explode with a bunch of MY LIFE IS MEANINGLESS!es and I DON’T MATTER!s.

My anxiety also likes to convince me that no one cares about me. Which isn’t the best thing to tell someone who is listening to you – who is caring. It’s offensive. I know, I’ve been that person too.

I started a relationship this year, and this has actually been a reoccurring problem between us. It’s hard for him to understand sometimes. “How can you say no one cares? I’m right here.” “Why aren’t you looking around you? So many people care.”

It’s, unfortunately, not that simple.

“You can’t reason with anxiety,” I always tell him, my mom, my best friend. “I’m sorry. I know that you love me. But my brain tries to prove that you don’t.”

It’s irrational. And it’s hard to deal with… sometimes for everyone involved.

Racing thoughts aren’t fun. Anxiety is no picnic. And I guess the only thing I can ask from people is… patience. It’s okay if you don’t understand, but if you try to it means the world. I know I’m a mess, and I promise I’m trying to collect myself. Be patient with me.

And please, don’t ever doubt that I love you. Even when I am tricked to think that you don’t love me, I never ever stop caring about you.

And if you read through all of this, thank you for listening.

Love you all,

Sofia 

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Twenty-Seven

Okay, so I need my city to get with the program. It is mid October. It’s time for autumn weather. It doesn’t feel right eating pumpkin spice Cheerios when it’s ninety degrees out.

It was so hot in St. Louis yesterday. Did that stop me from wearing long sleeves? Absolutely not.

I wore jeans for the first time in a while yesterday, too. I bought two new pairs for work, and they were cute so I swapped the skirt I had on for the more faded pair. For whatever reason, wearing them made my confidence plummet down. I don’t know what it was! I had just bought them because they looked good, so it was strange that my brain was telling me it was all wrong.

The worst part is that I let that seriously impact my day. My mood got at least sixty percent worse all because of a cute pair of jeans. It made me feel extra terrible because I was bringing the people I was around down with me. 

That’s one of my biggest peeves, when I do that. Yet no matter how hard I try not to do it, I mess up a lot.

I think it’s human nature, of course, but every time I fail – at anything, really – it eats at me until I’m doubting whether I’ve ever been a good person at all.

I’m pretty dramatic.

I’ve been really self-centered these past two weeks. I agree that it’s good to think of yourself and do things that are good for your health. That’s so important. But this was a whole different level. Thinking of myself got in the way of me being happy for other people when good things happened to them.

I hate that. I hate that I get that way. And it seems that no matter how hard I try to push it away, it keeps washing up on the shore again. 

I think the reason for that is probably because you can’t shove away your problems and expect them to disappear. They’re gonna stay there and you’ve gotta learn how to cope/handle them. We’ll save all that for a separate post, though. 😉

The weird thing is that I spend a lot of time being frustrated that others can’t be happy. I’ve said a few times that if I could shoulder everyone’s pain and take it on myself, I would in a heartbeat. It drives me mad when I see such good people having hate accounts made for them. I can’t believe cyber bullying is still such a problem. It’s 2016. Let’s stop with this petty hate. It’s ridiculous.

One thing that I’ve never before noticed is majorly fueling my selfishness is FOMO. Oh yes, the dreadful fear of missing out. I think that deep down everyone has the fear of missing out, at least sometimes. It sucks! Who wants to sit at home doing nothing while watching your friends have a good time?

Well, I guess that answer depends on what I’m watching on Netflix. I’d rather finish this eleventh season of Supernatural than go to Starbucks. Anyone’s free to join me, though! Bring the coffee here, haha.

You know, it’s not even always missing out on the event that’s upsetting. It’s missing out on being a part of this awesome moment with my friends. I was never the coolest person in school (seriously not), so you would think I’d be kind of used to being left out. Yet, I cried my eyes out when my friends went on a road trip without me, even though it wasn’t their fault I couldn’t go, and they shouldn’t stay home on account of me.

Ugh. You know, Mitch told me that emotions are good, and I agree with him. That phrase is like My Thing. But sometimes emotions are super frustrating, too. 

I think that the key thing to do when all of this starts to happen is remember all of the moments that I don’t miss out on. I’m going to Chicago with my friends at the end of the month, and we’re seeing Troye Sivan on Halloween! I’m seriously so excited, and I know that it will create many memories/moments that I’m lucky enough to be a part of. 

There’s a line from one of my favorite songs that I think about a lot: Count your blessings every day, it makes the monsters go away.

I love that. That s some great advice to take to heart. The negative, dark thoughts in our world have this thing about being really overpowering. To fight that, you have to remember all of the good things in life. It’s not easy, but peace is a two-way street – if you want it to find you, you have to search for it.

I hope you do. And I hope you find it.

Love you all,

Sofia


P.S.: it was my baby Hemingway’s birthday on Saturday! She turned two. She’s still the light of my life, and she still thinks I’m crazy. Isn’t her Halloween bandana cute?