Twenty

Whoa!! I made it to post twenty!!

Thanks for reading, if you have been. I’ve really enjoyed sharing my posts with you, and connecting more to people I hadn’t known very well because of it.

What this post is going to be about is somewhat old news. I’ve talked about this before.

That’s not even surprising at this point, is it? It seems that my blog has become pretty repetitive, because I keep branching off of the same idea.

It’s been a while since I’ve talked about this, though, and I feel like I need to address it. I have a problem, one that’s nothing new. I’ve definitely experienced it before, which is probably why I talk about it so much. 

I keep comparing myself to others.

Which, as I’m sure you know, is a super toxic thing to do. No good comes from it. I know this, yet I’ll get in phases where I continue to do it every day.

I’ve been in one of those phases for a few weeks now. My self-esteem has been really low lately. I actually (dramatically) blacked out my icon for a while (and then the other day I had it as a bee, which I thought was a good time). There were these nagging thoughts in my head, and I was convinced that everyone who saw my selfies was shaking their heads and muttering, “Who is she trying to kid here?” So I just couldn’t bear to keep a picture of myself up, because it got to a point where I was shaking my head and muttering, “Who am I trying to kid here?”

Now, I know that everyone has insecurities. And we all know that they suck. I often let them get the best of me, and after a while of keeping positive and confident I’ll suddenly find myself turning around the mirror in my room because I don’t even want to accidentally glimpse at my reflection.

It’s impossible to escape your reflection, though, and when I see myself, I’ll hear those damn nagging thoughts again. 

I’m too short.

My chest is so flat.

I have no muscle.

My eyes are gross. Bland. Lame.

My acne and blemishes are everywhere. 

My hair never works the way I want it to. 

My smile. Yikes, that is a big one. My teeth are one of the top five things I get embarrassed about.

I’m so weird.

I’m mean.

I’m not a good person.

When these thoughts start to circulate, it’s bad enough. But then I see these beautiful people around me, and it all gets worse.

I’ll never be tall like her. Why can’t I look more like her?

She’s body goals and I’m the opposite. Why can’t I look more like her?

She’s so nice, just naturally. I’m so mean compared to that. Why can’t I be like her, no matter how hard I try?

I’ll never be able to sing like her, I hate my voice, I’m no good. Why can’t I sing like her?

Why can’t I be pretty like her? Why can’t I look that good without makeup like her? Why can’t I be more like her? Why can’t I be somebody else? Why do I have to be me?

It gets consuming, and suddenly I’m doing everything I can to change myself, because I’m not enough for me. And then, since I can’t be enough for me, I feel like I’ll never be enough for anyone.

I can’t stand that I’m spreading all of this negativity, to top it off. I’ve found that for some reason, venting on Twitter helps. To try and keep that crap away from my followers, though, I started a rant account. It’s similar to shouting into an empty void, but that’s really all I need. Just to write it out. To post it somewhere. I guess it makes the thoughts seem valid. But even though I’ve stopped bothering others as much with the self-deprecating tweets, I’m still saying it all. And that’s no good, because you can’t live like that. You can’t compare yourself to others, because you’ll never be happy.

You know why? Because you will never be them, because you are you.

And you know what? That’s wonderful. It honestly, truly is.

Sometimes I forget that, but when I do it’s like a rubber band effect, and I snap back into a more positive attitude. I have this book of positive things, little quotes and notes from people I admire and who have helped me. When I realize that I’m headed down a gross road, I’ll grab the book and read through it. One of my favorite quotes is this:


Yeah, yeah, it’s from Kirstin’s blog, I know, big shocker. But isn’t it some cold hard truth? Perspective is EVERYTHING, and it’s hard to change if I’m constantly sitting in my room, staring at my mirror and writing the things I don’t like about myself with sharpie on my arms and legs. That’s giving in. If you want to feel more confident, have more positivity, you have to choose to want it.

I know that can be hard. Trust me, I know. Sometimes I’ll see myself and think what’s the point? Just because I’m upbeat isn’t going to change anything. I’ll still be who I am, I’ll still be ugly.

But you know what I’ve found to be true in the past? If I surround myself with more people that spread positivity and confidence, I start to absorb some of it. Maybe “absorb” isn’t the best word to describe that, because it sounds like I’m sucking a life force or something, but you get the idea. Changing your perspective means changing the way you see things, including yourself. So by choosing to fight negative thoughts, choosing to fight for a better attitude, you’re taking one step closer to self-acceptance, which is one step closer to self-love.

Bringing myself down is tiring. And it brings others down, which upsets me even more, and by the time the day is over I’m utterly exhausted in the worst possible way.

Loving yourself is a challenge. But is it an impossible one? Absolutely not.

Another quote I love to live by is “all you can be is beautiful little you.”

That one really turned my life around. I was going through all of these hoops and jumping hurdles to try and be someone else, but that was a race I’d never win! It was impossible, because I won’t ever be someone else. All I can be is me, and that’s enough.

We see someone, and we call them beautiful, and I think sometimes we think that just because we don’t have certain attributes that they do that that somehow makes us not beautiful. The parts that are different about us are “ugly.”

I’m sure we’ve all had those moments where you see someone who is labeled beautiful on television, and we wished we could be more like them. But just because those people are beautiful doesn’t mean you aren’t, right? Just because you’re different than them, that doesn’t make you ugly. No sir ree, not in the slightest.

You’ll have days where it won’t feel like it, like you’re enough. I wrote about experiencing that in the beginning of this post. Everyone has their down days, and that’s okay. The key is to not let those down days drag you to a point where you accept those thoughts as true. That can get tricky, though… especially if there are people around you pointing out your flaws.

There’s one last quote I’d like to share. 
It’s from Taylor Swift, and she says it in her 1989 movie:


There might be a moment where someone insults you, or makes you feel like you’re not beautiful, and it’s really easy to let those words wrap around your mind until you believe that they’re true. Suddenly, it’s like you were the one who said them, and now you think that everyone else in the world sees you that way. Then you’re comparing yourself to people we see as “better” than us even more, and you’re trying to alter the person you truly are to make others happy (though we sometimes disguise “others” with “ourselves”).

That is not true.

You do not have to live up to someone’s expectation of you to be beautiful.

Fighting negative thoughts is a constant, never ending battle. It can be exhausting and tough. But it’s better than the pain you’ll feel if you let them win, if you let them make you believe that they’re fact and not just whispers from your brain.

I’m not perfect. But just because I have imperfections doesn’t mean I’m not beautiful.

I think that goes for each and every one of you.

We are all so different from each other. So if we label one single person as beautiful, and we think that being anything but how that person is makes us awful and ugly, we’re going to self-destruct.

Because you can’t be someone else.

You can only be you.

And that is (and always will be) more than enough.

Love you all,

Sofia.