Thirty-Seven

I forgot how difficult school was.

Not even in the homework way. Academically, I’m doing fine. It’s the sitting for hours in the same cold spot with rules and proper etiquette. It’s the waking up at seven in the morning and having a routine to get ready when I’m so tired. It’s being around a constant classroom of people talking and moving and breathing and… ugh. It’s a lot.

At least when I’m at work I have moments to myself. I don’t usually work register so I have tasks on my own usually, and the only people I see are customers, but even they aren’t always passing by because I’m tucked away in the crook of the store. When I’m at school, I’m on display at all times. I can feel imaginary holes burning in the back of my head. It’s exhausting!

It messes a lot with my anxiety, which often makes it hard to learn. How can I possibly be asked to pay attention when there are two strangers minding their own business on either side of me? I’m just constantly thinking. Oh my god they’re totally thinking about how bad I look, they think I’m annoying, look at the way they eyed me like that! I want to disappear. 

This, of course, is a normal routine for me. Anxiety is a constant friend that won’t go home, even though you’ve strongly hinted that you want to stop hanging out. What do I do? Try to cope with it.

Which, of course, is easy to say. Not so easy to do. 

Anxiety can really affect some aspects of my life. Worse than not being able to focus in school. 

There are times – usually at night – that I have total meltdowns. During this time, I feel like I lose a lot of control. When the morning after a meltdown rolls around, I wake up and scroll through my old texts from the night before to survey the damage. There’s a joke from John Mulaney (who – eek! – I’m seeing live this week) where he says that when you’re a drinker you have the excuse of saying, “I’m really sorry about saying that last night, I was just so drunk.” When you don’t drink, you can only say, “I’m sorry about what I said last night, it’s just that I’m mean and loud.”

Me.

It kinda really it though! (Makes me sound like such a catch, huh.) I say things I wish I wouldn’t have, in the way where I unleash a dramatic ranting on a friend who is now overwhelmed. It’s like my existential crises’ build up and then I explode with a bunch of MY LIFE IS MEANINGLESS!es and I DON’T MATTER!s.

My anxiety also likes to convince me that no one cares about me. Which isn’t the best thing to tell someone who is listening to you – who is caring. It’s offensive. I know, I’ve been that person too.

I started a relationship this year, and this has actually been a reoccurring problem between us. It’s hard for him to understand sometimes. “How can you say no one cares? I’m right here.” “Why aren’t you looking around you? So many people care.”

It’s, unfortunately, not that simple.

“You can’t reason with anxiety,” I always tell him, my mom, my best friend. “I’m sorry. I know that you love me. But my brain tries to prove that you don’t.”

It’s irrational. And it’s hard to deal with… sometimes for everyone involved.

Racing thoughts aren’t fun. Anxiety is no picnic. And I guess the only thing I can ask from people is… patience. It’s okay if you don’t understand, but if you try to it means the world. I know I’m a mess, and I promise I’m trying to collect myself. Be patient with me.

And please, don’t ever doubt that I love you. Even when I am tricked to think that you don’t love me, I never ever stop caring about you.

And if you read through all of this, thank you for listening.

Love you all,

Sofia 

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Thirty-Six

 It seems only appropriate to come back as a zombie from the grave during October, so here I am! Crawling my way back to this blog like Taylor Swift in her Out of the Woods dress — (which, side note: TAYLOR IS BACK!!! Three years has been too long, girl).

Fall is HERE, folks! As I’m basically drinking my pumpkin spice latte, I’m trying to think of what to write about. So much has happened in the nine months since I last wrote a post. I was a ginger for a while, but I’m blonde again. I always go back to her, she’s my favorite. People ask me why I don’t just go back to my natural color, but then every person I ask says I would look terrible with black hair, so.


I traveled much more than I thought I would since I’ve talked to you guys! I’ve been to New York again, Iowa, Tennessee, I was even in Chicago for two months (didn’t do a lot of touristy stuff for that one, though). I met up with friends I had waited so long to meet, and made new ones. I love traveling, like a lot. Sure, I get homesick, but going to new places that I’ve longed to see and having the best experiences there is incredible. They really are adventures, too, because sometimes conflicts get in the way but we work it out and look back on the story with a smile.

I miss being on the road. 

I’m stuck here for a while, though, because I’ve enrolled in school (yay) that lasts Monday – Thursday until the middle of November. That’s not so bad, though, because having no distractions like that gives me time to really focus on myself. I go to work, go to school, clean my house, and work on self-improving. It’s a process to accept a lot of the things going on lately.

One thing I’ve learned is that self-pity doesn’t really get you anywhere. You don’t get better by laying in your bed and giving up. I did that for a while, and it made me feel worse. I felt like I was falling apart and not caring about that fact whatsoever. One day while I was watching yet another rerun in my bed, I remembered something my Uncle Lenny used to say : “It is what it is, let it be.”




Let it be.

I understand that you can’t apply this to every situation. It’s not always the right answer. But right now, for what I was going through, it helped immensely. I needed to move on in order to get better. I needed to let go and learn that not everything is going to go my way, not everyone is going to like me.

And you know what I did when I finally realized that?

I took a shower. I put an outfit together. I folded my damn clothes and put them where they belonged rather than letting them become a bigger mountain on the floor. 

I’m going through some kind of weird process internally right now. I’m really trying to pull some shreds of confidence together, because it’s exhausting to live in self-hatred. Normally, I don’t like change, but a lot of it is going on against my will anyway, so I’m coping with it. Going with the flow, even. I’m in the works of saving up money little by little to redecorate my old room. I’m tired of the clutter so I’m going to get some shelves from IKEA! Woo!

This post was all over the place. I guess what I’m trying to wrap up is, I’m sorry I’ve been gone so long. I was in a very fragile and unwelcoming state of mind, and I didn’t feel honest writing anything that wasn’t misery (I’m a dramatic, in case you haven’t been able to tell before). But now I’m stable (well, more stable than before, ha), and I want to start posting again. Documenting my life, in a way. Sharing my silly thoughts. 

I want to be present again.

So I’m going to try posting more. This is my favorite time of year, after all, who knows what adventures may await?
I hope some travel your way, too.

Love you all,

Sofia
Ps: here’s a lil collage of some of the things you’ve missed since January!

Thirty-Five

“I used to think time was a thief. But you give before you take. Time is a gift. Every minute. Every second.” –Alice Kingsleigh

Sound familiar? It’s a quote from Alice Through the Looking Glass. I remember seeing it at the drive-in and practically sobbing my eyes out at that line.

As you may know, time has always been a difficult thing for me. I struggle with the concept of it quite often. 

I’m always thinking about how much time is left, instead of focusing on how much time I already have. 

There’s another line from The Switch that made me blink in thought. “Look at us. Running around, always rushed, always late. I guess that’s why they call it the human race.”

We really should take a moment to just breathe more. It feels like there’s never time to, but even if you’re busy at work or doing something with your family, there’s always a chance to breathe. 

I am definitely guilty of taking time for granted. Sure, I have moments that I wish would last forever, but I don’t always appreciate the opportunities I’m given. I need to start seizing the day. 

I love those moments that I wouldn’t trade for the world. Simple moments like being with my nephews, hanging out with my friends, watching a movie with my mom, listening to a good song while driving through a tunnel from my favorite book. Bigger moments like sitting on a pink beanbag, crying as I hold my friends’ hands during concerts, going on road trips across the country. 


I used to think time was an enemy. He never gives us enough. He takes and takes, because eventually everyone runs out of it. This fact has really hit me this past weekend.

But, as Alice says, he also gives. He gives us good memories, those moments that you wish could last forever. We’re lucky to even have time to begin with.

It’s hard to remember, sometimes. When we lose someone, or maybe our own time starts running out, we get angry with time. It’s understandable and I’ve definitely been there. But what’s that quote from Pooh Bear? “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

Even though nothing lasts forever, I would never trade the moments I’m given for anything. When someone’s time runs out, I am incredibly heartbroken, but I love that I got to be apart of their time at all.

Don’t take time for granted. Hold on tight to those you love. Live life to the fullest you can in the moment.

And don’t forget to take a second to breathe. 

Love you all,

Sofia

Thirty-Four

I took one day off to relax and enjoy the fact that it’s a new year.

On January 2nd, I started planning for 2017.
I’m really excited to go to Kentucky with my best friends at the end of the month! I’ve only been to Kentucky twice, but I’ve loved it every time. Lovely place. I also can’t wait to have my friend Angel in my arms again. She makes me so happy (and can I say sent me the cutest little Christmas package? Look at that mini beanbag!). 


In February, I’m going to Chicago. I’m also seeing Bring Me the Horizon with my mom and Alexx here at home!

It doesn’t sound like a lot, but for only being into the first week of the year I’d say I’m set so far!

Did you guys make resolutions? I did. I want to officially change my name to Sofia Spillari. I also made up a bucket list, and I want to start crossing more things off of it. I even went the extra mile and bought a scrapbook to document it all! I’m excited to see my adventures play out.

Is it too innocent to be hopeful and excited for a new year? I don’t know, but it’s how I’m feeling. There might be some already-known negative factors in my way, but with my friends at my side and music playing loud I am planning to make 2017 the best it can be.

My resolution is to really be happy. There’s a reason I got “choose happiness” tattooed on New Year’s Eve. I want to remember the lesson I learned in 2016 and take it with me forever. It’s definitely something I’m still learning, and maybe I’ll even get better at it this year.

I wish the same for all of you, too. Remember, you are worth every happiness. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Happy new year everyone, let’s tackle 2017 together. 
Love you all,

Sofia

Thirty-Three

Ahhhhhh.

That was my sigh of relief.

I’m super sad that Christmas is over, but man did it feel hectic this year! I’m excited to have some days off work and recoup (and get my house back in order, good grief).

It always seems that there’s all this buildup to Christmas and then with a snap of the fingers it’s over. Anyone else keep their tree up and watch holiday movies until January?

Now that that holiday is out of the way, though, we’ve got New Years right around the corner.

I’ve always had kind of a hard time with New Years. I love a good existential crisis about time!

I was thinking back on the past year, trying to determine how I felt about 2016. At first thought, I felt like I hated this year. A lot of bad stuff happened, personally and in general. It seemed that this year was filled with giving up and feeling weighed down.

But then I looked past all of the negative and remembered all of the really, really good memories I had from 2016, and there were quite a lot of them! Scrolling back through this blog is pure proof of that, and I’m so grateful to have write-worthy moments. It proves that life is worth sticking around for. 

So, was the year good or bad?

I think what I’m going to say was that it was a year. And we made it through, both with smiles and tears. We’re still here, though we’ve lost and gained a lot. I think that, for me, 2016 was definitely one for the books.

I’m nervous for the new year because change, endings and beginnings make me super duper anxious. But I’ll hold on tight to fragile hearts, and keep my friends forever by my side. We’ll tackle it together.

I’m sending my very best wishes to you for a happy new year. What’s everyone doing to celebrate? I think I’ll probably sit at home and watch the ball drop, I don’t really have any parties planned. 😜

Love you all,

Sofia

Thirty-Two

So, here we go.

I try not to get too much into depression and stuff like that on here, because I want this to be a happy blog and not a bunch of posts about me complaining. But things have been hard lately, and I feel like acting otherwise on here will make it worse.

I have a love/hate relationship with Christmastime. On the one hand, there’s movies and music and just that warm feeling that everyone talks about going around. On the other hand, there’s existential crisis’ and mental or nervous breakdowns. You know, the usual.

I was at my nephew’s Christmas recital and sitting in a pew of the church I’d grown up in, next to the giant tree that I’d known since I was a baby. It seemed like just yesterday I was one of the kids performing up at the altar, relaying the story of Christmas to my video-taping family. Now I was with the adults and watching my youngest nephew who is now five do the same thing I used to. It made me think of how much time had passed, of how it was going to keep passing, and I just started crying because it was so overwhelming. My family thought I was a proper weirdo.

I think the term “choosing happiness” is thrown around really lightly when it’s not always that easy to do. I have my role models like Kirstin and Shay to look up to and hear about how it’s a struggle but I can do it, and then I try and it’s a train wreck. It’s so hard sometimes. I feel like I’ve let Kirstin down, which may not seem like a big deal to some people but it is to me.

I know that deep down is a part of me that doesn’t want any of this, who didn’t ask for this. Who would, right? The core part of me doesn’t want to stop existing all the time, nor does it wish for me to be a danger to myself. But that part of me is often drowned out by my mind, which is telling me that I do want these things and that I deserve all of it.

Choosing happiness is a struggle because it involves finding that tiny piece of you that is fighting your mind and making it grow. No easy task, if you ask me.

One piece of advice I always give out when people come to me is to write down a list of happy moments in your life on a physical piece of paper that you can hold and read. Then, when things start getting tough, look at it and remember each one. Bring back how awesome you felt in that moment. It doesn’t necessarily fix things and make your bad mood go away, but I find that it really does help.

I added one thing this morning. I’ve been a little MIA for a few days because I snapped (for lack of a better word), and I didn’t think anyone even noticed. Come to find out that there were a few who did, who noticed and cared and were worried. That was mind-boggling to me. I don’t deserve to be worried about. I’m not that important.

See, that’s my mind talking. But this act brought out that small core part of me that told me Yes, you are loved. Yes, they worry because you mean something to them.





Have you ever seen Rise of the Guardians? It’s a great movie, I watch it a lot, especially at Christmastime. There’s this scene where Santa is talking to Jack Frost, asking him what “his center is.” Then he takes out one of those doll things where you uncap each one to find a smaller one inside. You know the ones? He says that these outer shells aren’t what really makes him who he is. They’re parts of him, but they’re not really who he is. It’s the smallest and final doll that shows his center that depicts who he is as a person, what the root value is. 

These negative thoughts? They’re not who you really are. Those shouts of you’re not important and no one will miss you if you leave are your outer shells. At the very end, when you uncap that final negative thought, there’s something else there that really shows who you are. What do you think your center is? What is it saying?

I think mine is I am happy to be alive.

I’m just working on getting those pesky outer shells off. They seem to be pretty stuck together right now.

You should try making one of those happy moment lists I mentioned! I added going to New York and meeting one of my best friends last week. She was even more perfect in person.

I also got to add going to Kings in Pittsburg and eating where Logan Lerman, Ezra Miller and Emma Watson sat to film The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I got to go through the tunnel from the movie/book, blaring Pentatonix’s song New Years Day with the windows down and my friends at my side.


As the list gets longer, it gets more encouraging. When I think about giving up, I look at that list and think that in all of these moments I was happy to be alive. And that’s quite helpful. They’re moments worth fighting for. Life isn’t going to be all daisies. “It was hard to get where you are, and it’s going to be hard getting to where you’re going.” But the happy moments are still there, they’re still going to happen. They’re not just going to disappear because you’re having a rough time right now.

And if you think that you don’t deserve to have those happy moments, then you’re wrong. Because people make mistakes. We’re human, and a lot of times we can work it out. You still deserve to be happy, okay?

I should take my own advice, ha.

Let’s work on getting better together.

Love you all,

Sofia

Thirty-One

For most of my life, I’ve been scared.

Ever since I was little, my anxiety was the one in charge. I couldn’t stay at anyone’s house overnight but my own, and I sat in torture instead of asking my teacher to go to the bathroom.

My life and the things I do have always been centered around this ball of anxious fear inside my chest and stomach. And it sucks. Not to mention it’s exhausting, it really is!

No, don’t do that.

No, don’t go there.

You can’t, something terrible will happen.

Stay home, if you go you’re going to die.

This irrational thinking kept me from doing a lot of fun things. I couldn’t go camping, attend sleepovers, or even make friends because I was so scared to talk to someone. I missed out on a lot.
Even now, I feel unsettled and sometimes have panic attacks if I stray too far from home or sleep somewhere that isn’t my normal bed. It’s so annoying!

But lately I’ve been trying to push myself out of my comfort zone. Normally I just let myself accept that I have certain rules to abide by, but now I realize those rules are ludicrous. I don’t want to let my anxiety take over my life anymore! I want to be the one in charge. I want to start living instead of hiding.

We’ll see how this goes. You should try with me if you’ve been thinking about this as well. 😊

Love you all,

Sofia
P.S: I got to cross another concert off my bucket list! I saw The 1975 on Tuesday with my mom and I cried the whole time.