Twenty-Five

Have you ever been having a grand ol’ time, then something slightly insignificant to your day comes along, and suddenly your whole good mood is ruined?

That happens to me constantly, and it makes me feel weak. Like, I feel like I should be able to just get over it. I just couldn’t find my other matching sock, it’s no big deal. They just got a little irritated with me because I’m not perfect, it’s not big deal. I just have a hole in my cardigan, it’s no big deal, no one notices.
But it feels like a big deal, and it feels like the literal end of the world at times.
Sometimes I feel so insecure and gross that I’m certain these things are written all over my face and everyone else can see them too.
I was in therapy last week and I was told something that stuck with me: “Just because your brain is telling you the alphabet begins with L, that doesn’t mean it’s true.”
Now, some of you might be thinking Well, duh, your opinion can’t switch facts. But I think it really helps explain anxiety, and bring those who suffer from it a hint of comfort.
There are days where I’m so worked up that the smallest thing will feel like the end of the world. Anna could swerve off the road a little bit and my mind would instantly decide that this was it, we were going to spiral into the grass and die in an awful accident. Even though Anna was totally fine and back on the road within the next second, I still had that moment of complete fear.
It happens with the smallest of things, too, and it’s pretty taxing stuff. If one of my friends doesn’t text me back for half an hour, my mind will start telling me that I’ve ruined the relationship completely, that they want nothing to do with me and that I’m an awful person and that they’ll never speak to me again. In reality, they were taking a shower and fixing their hair so they couldn’t get back to me right away.
Even though logic will be staring me in the face sometimes, my mind will still tell me that something completely irrational to think is the cold hard fact. Sometimes, your mind convinces you that the alphabet starts with L, but that doesn’t make it true. It starts with A, and nothing will change that, right?
When you’re having a panic attack or you can feel one coming on, try to remember that. When your thoughts start racing and you can’t make them stop, try to remember that.
Just because your mind is telling you these things does not make them true.
Stay safe and lovely, lovelies.

Love you all,

Sofia.

Advertisements

Twenty-Four

You know, the longer I stayed MIA, the harder it became to talk myself back into writing. I’ve been so unexplainably tired lately! I’ve already yawned twice so far since I started this post.

I became kind of a recluse for a while, keeping out of communication with most of the world, even the people I’m normally closest to. Gradually, though, I started being more chatty, and right now I’m at a point where I constantly want to be hanging out with someone! I’m so lucky to have friends who always welcome me with open arms.

Friendships are so important. Keeping them isn’t always easy, either. Just like with romantic relationships, friendships take work, sometimes lots of it. People are constantly changing, and you have to get through the rough patches as well as the good, fun ones. There are friends who leave and stop talking to you as soon as the slightest argument occurs. But then there are the really true, important friends that you love dearly and who love you back, and when you have arguements you have to hold on tight.

In the past, I’ve held on too tight. Too long. I’ve loved friends so much that I couldn’t see they were hurting me. I thought that it was full of continuous rough patches that I simply had to get over. That wasn’t the case, and it blew up in my face at the end.

There’s even been a relationship where I finally was strong enough to cut ties because I believed it would be for the best, but then the person turned around and gave me a heartfelt apology, something they’d never done before, so I decided to give them one more chance to see if they’d changed. And we’re stronger than we’ve ever been before!

I don’t think that being best friends with someone is the same kind of friendship you see on TV shows or in books. The ride or die friends that never bicker or have a disagreement. Everybody has emotions, everyone goes through changes of heart. It’s human nature, but it can challenge a relationship. Remember in High School Musical 2, where Chad was being all pissy and lame when Troy got a better job than him? In the third movie, they’re back to being best buds and jumping on cars while singing again. That’s more real life. (Yes, the singing too. What do you mean you’ve never done that?)

There’s a quote from Kirstin that I love. “People are always going to walk in and out of my life.” It’s so true!! And that can be very sad, but sometimes it’s for the best. Sometimes it’s just because you lose touch, no hard feelings intended. That’s just a part of life. But I do believe that you can stay friends with someone for years, and that the right people – people who love you without makeup or filters or fake personalities – will find you. 

It’s all a matter of working things out. There are friends who will be there solely for those times where you want to have fun. There are friends who you sometimes have to fight for. It’s not always easy to tell whether or not you should keep up the fight, in fact it rarely ever is. But I trust that, eventually, you’ll come to a conclusion. I believe in you!

By the way, how cute are these photos?? Sean and I recreated Perks of Being a Wallflower-themed poses at our high school’s bleachers. We always said we would do that once we were finished with school, and I got a little emotional thinking about how we’ve gotten this far. Do people expect us to act like adults now?? I’m going to go watch Frozen.

Love you all,

Sofia

Twenty-Three

Another end of the week is upon us!

I’ve had a good one, and I hope all of you have as well. If not, hold tight. We’re in this together. You’re not alone. ❤️

Summer is ending, and most of the people I know are restarting school again next week. Don’t be too upset, though, because if summer is ending, that means October is on its way!!

I went to the Muny twice this week to see the musical Aida, and might be going again if I can. That production is phenomenal. I had never heard anything about it except that Elton John helped write a lot of the music, so I knew I’d be on board, but it exceeded my expectations. My friends and I had such a blast together, crying during the show and gushing about the performances to the cast afterwards.


(We were trying to copy the choreo from the show.)

Speaking of, I got to meet a lot of cool people. Ken Page (who I know mostly for his role as Oogie Boogey in The Nightmare Before Christmas, because it was one of my very favorite movies growing up… and still) literally dragged Alexx and I for gushing over a cute boy. 

We also got to meet Michelle Williams, who was the star of the musical and who played the original Aida on Broadway, but in addition to that we were all geeking out over meeting a member of Destiny’s Child. She was also the nicest person! We were too shy to say anything to her, so she was the one to walk over to us first and introduce herself (lucky for us). And then the next night when we saw her she was laughing at how we forgot to take a picture and was happy to be in one with us.

The cast of this show was incredible, I loved every person for every character. I have the tiniest innocent crush on the male lead, Zak Resnick. He’s got one of those flawless Disney prince voices.

Despite how hot and humid it was (and how many awful hills are at the Muny, god), it was such a blast. I hope to go again!

I love going out and doing stuff like that. That’s a stupid statement, because duh. Who doesn’t like having awesome things happen to them? I just think it’s nice to have something to post on Instagram and Facebook other than weird selfies with the overused Snapchat filters. (But, seriously, I’m obsessed with them?? I’d keep those butterflies over my head permanently.)

I marvel a lot at how fast everything is happening. It seems like two days ago Anna and I were talking about going to see Aida when the shows that would be going on were announced, when in actuality, two days ago we were at Aida and the season is about to close.

I hate that time passes by so quickly, because I’m scared to grow up.

I saw this post on tumblr with this long explanation thread about Peter Pan and how the story was an example on why growing up and maturing is so vital. Peter was kind of mad because he’d never had any proper parenting. He was so wild that he would kill some of the Lost Boys if they disobeyed Peter’s order or got too old. Like, okay. He’s attention-seeking, arrogant, and disregards anyone’s feelings. Selfish, to put it simply. So, turns out, the Peter Pan that I adored so much my whole life was a brat.

I understand that growing up is a good thing. I understand that responsibilities are necessary and important. But that doesn’t take away the fact that they are freaking overwhelming.

The people who were in my class are all leaving for college, but if I close my eyes I can picture walking into kindergarten for the very first time. I could draw up exactly what the carpet looked like. I can picture kids that look so different now. It’s insane. 

It’s not really that I want to stay in this time period. I’m looking forward to better things ahead, and want to start really kicking into high gear working towards my goals. But it’s still scary to think about. We’re no longer dreaming about all the things we’re going to do someday. We’re putting those plans into action. Getting jobs, having relationships, discovering who we are as people.

So, I can be kind of a nerd. In one of my favorite shows, Doctor Who, there’s this episode where the Eleventh Doctor describes how he never reads the last page of stories, because he hates endings. It can be so hard to finish up a story, especially when you’re being forced to close it. But part of life is finding the courage to turn to that last page and read through it. And though there’s really not any way for this part of my life to not to be an ending, it’s also not, in a sense. 
That was really confusing.

You know that comforted feeling when you finish a book or a movie but you’re aware that there’s already a sequel for you to start? Or when you finish the season of a show on Netflix, but there’s more waiting for you? That’s what this is like. I’m done with this school part of my life. High school is over. But my sequel of going to college and getting a career is ready for me to begin.

I’ll see you all next season.

Love you all,
Sofia

Twenty-Two

It’s been a busy week! I love that. Does that sound weird? I like keeping busy, because I think sitting in my room with nothing to do makes it easier for me to feel down. Plus, it was the fun kind of busy.
Last Sunday I got to drive up to Chicago to meet Shane Dawson, which was insane. We left the city just as this huge storm hit, too, so the drive back was filled with lots of praying and pulling over at rest stops for hours at a time. Lots of bonding time for Anna and I. We got so tired that we had to pour water over our eyes to stay awake.

I also got to meet Us the Duo this past Friday! I’ve seen their show a few times since they opened up for Pentatonix, but I’ve never actually got to meet them. They were the absolute kindest people ever, and the best performers. Alexx and I got to sing during Goodbye Forever, it was quite the jam.

During their sound check, they sang this medley of hits from 2015 (click here to watch it, it’s awesome), and I was the only girl in the crowd that sang their hallelujah during Uptown Funk. Which, looking back on it now was super funny, and it was cute when Michael and Carissa laughed, but at the time I was completely mortified.

A few days later, I drove into the city with my family and we camped out overnight for twenty one pilots. As in, slept on the streets of St. Louis overnight. I’m sure that if you didn’t already think I was crazy, you do now. The things I do for my favorite bands. It wasn’t that bad, in all honesty… until it started raining on us. That part sucked. The show was worth it as always, though! I’m just now getting my voice back from screaming so much. I tried to be really artsy and made this mini movie called “Barricade Views” documenting the concert, but it ended up being not as sick as I originally thought. It’s still fun to watch.

There was this part during Mutemath’s set, which were one of the two openers, where they began playing the intro to a song I recognized. At first I thought it was a cover, but then it hit me: this was a song from Twilight! I actually said that out loud, too, and everyone around me stared at me oddly because they had no idea what I was going on about. I remember watching this music video as a vampire-obsessed preteen. 

I’m pretty sure I freaked the guards out when twenty one pilots was playing, too. I always promise that I won’t ugly sob, yet every time I always do. Forest gets me, because that was the very first song I ever heard by them. 

Concerts aside, I got to visit with some relatives that are staying here from out of state for a week. It always hits me how much I missed someone when I’m hugging them after months of not seeing them. I celebrated about three birthdays and have had entirely too much ice cream, but I honestly don’t regret a single bite. Ice cream is and always will be my biggest weakness.

Now, I’m pretty excited to just relax for a few days. I’m babysitting tonight, but that’s always chill. I’m going to try and get my sleep schedule back to normal and rewatch Stranger Things (again… Seriously, guys, I’m obsessed). I hope you all had a great week and continue to have a fantastic weekend!

Love you all,

Sofia

Twenty-One

Twenty-one. My second favorite number. And when there’s favorite numbers, there’s posts that are about to get real.

I’ve always set my expectations too high.

And I think that a lot of times through social media – this blog especially – I wind up putting this image of myself in people’s heads that’s a lot different than what I’m like as a person in real life.

I hope that I don’t come across as this bubbly, over-positive person that thinks she has all the answers. Not that there would be anything wrong with that. More positivity? Sign me right up. It’s just that that’s not who I really am.

I try really hard to be more like that. I want to be a positive person that makes others feel good, not someone who mopes and whines about teeny tiny things that at the end of the day don’t matter at all. I want to be this person who takes advice to heart, someone who practices what they preach.

Sometimes I am. Sometimes I have good days where it’s easy.

But I have a lot of bad days.

I have days where I fail to remind myself that there is always something good in the overwhelming dark, but I write about doing so because I want others to so badly.

I like to make myself believe that nothing’s wrong with me or the situations I’m in. Apparently I belittle my problems… Or at least that’s what I’m told. 😛

That’s really, really not a good thing to do. I’m not saying that complaining 24/7 about every tiny little thing is, because we all know it’s not. But if you want the sad stuff you’re feeling to go away, you have to first admit it’s there. It’s a choice, to want to be happy, I’ve heard it countless times from Shay and Kirstin. And I really do want to be happy. I want it more than anything. I think that I’m working towards that in the wrong way, though, because I don’t always take very good care of myself.

My version of dealing with a problem is sitting on my floor and crying my eyes out while See Through plays on a loop until the ugly thoughts pass. Healthy? Not really, haha. Though it is a good song.

That’s not solving anything. That’s covering the problem up for the moment to deal with later. And you will, too, because it’ll be waiting for you bigger and better than ever.

I think that a step I should be taking is admitting and coming to terms with the fact that the things that are happening are, in fact, happening. Like I said, I don’t want to come across as some Pleasantville know-it-all because that’s not me. It’s really not.

I feel lost, a lot. I have depression and anxiety that I don’t always know how to deal with. It’s like I’ve been given this object, but it’s so heavy I’m struggling to hold it but there’s nowhere else to put it. (I can’t put it on the ground because it’ll ruin the carpet, duh.)

I’m a sad person. And, sometimes because of that, I can be a mean person. I don’t ever intentionally say something rude or hurtful, but it slips on occasion. I’m not really good with words. There are moments where I don’t like the person I am, because she’s not good. She’s selfish because she’s so lost in her thoughts and overwhelmed by them that she can’t see anything else. She snaps at the tiniest thing because she’s not sure how to handle what’s going on in her head.

I’m not trying to make myself sound like a depressing poem. I’m not poetic. I write about different things I go through, sure, but that’s mostly as an outlet or as a way to reach out to people who might be going through the same thing. But if I could have someone take it all away? Oh man, I would. I don’t look at my depression/anxiety as a lifestyle or something to brag about. It’s a burden and I can’t stand it.

It’s really hard to keep friendships because of it, too. I used to be convinced I was riddled with this thing I dubbed the “one-year curse.” It seemed that I couldn’t keep friends with anyone for more than a year, sometimes on the mark. I once had someone tell me that I could hit them with a truck and they’d still be my friend, yet four months later they started to ignore my calls. There was no major falling out, either. It just happened one day.

I get it, honestly. I’m not an excellent person to be friends with. I think my heart is in the right place, but sometimes I feel like I don’t know how to act like a normal human being. And it’s hard. So I understand why it’s difficult to be around me. 

Remember how I said sometimes these thoughts and emotions are like a heavy weight? Have you ever held something super heavy and found it hard to focus on anything else? Talk to anyone else? All you can think about is this stupid thing causing you discomfort and pain and how badly you want to get rid of it. That’s kind of what it’s like for me.

I saw a quote on tumblr the other day that said, “Those who are hardest to love need it the most.” It kinda hit me; one of those things that you read that make you blink and look up from your phone for a second.

I’m not going to be some macho, independent superhuman (at least, not in this post, teehee) and say I don’t need love. I do. I don’t do well on my own, and I don’t like it. Don’t get me wrong, I love those nights where I’m snuggled up in my bed with a cuppa coffee and a good book or a Netflix binge watch (Stranger Things, what’s good), but it isn’t long before I’m wishing someone would go for a drive with me so I don’t have to be stuck in my room by myself. I get scared when I have to do things on my own. That is tough, though, because like I said before, I’m not always at my best.

I’m not saying that you should let people drag you around just because you think they need your love. Maybe they do, but it gets to a point where you’ve got to remember your own health, too. ⭐️
I guess that this whole blog post summed up is… I’m kind of a train wreck sometimes. But I’m always trying to be better, happier, kinder. I really am. I want to be those things with all of my heart. Do I fail? At my weak points, yes. There’s a lot of things I’ve done that I look back on and feel horrible about. There are things I’ve blown out of proportion or not handled in the best way. Not every relationship is perfect, especially at my age, because we’re all trying to figure out what the hell is going on.

So, no, I’m definitely not some innocent victim that gets burned. I’m not happy all of the time. I have really, really sucky days where I don’t take the advice I know I should, and days when I just plain don’t know what to do at all.

But there’s this thing that Scott has said before he started to sing New Year’s Day. He said, “Tomorrow is a new day. You can always start again.” Just because I messed up today doesn’t guarantee the fact that I will tomorrow.

I’m human. I’ve made mistakes. Heaven knows I will again. But I guess all I can do is try my best to be my best. I learn from my mistakes and try to do better next time.

I think that when your life gets really dark, you can be the person that brings forth light. It’s hard, but simply trying never hurts, even if that’s all you can do at times.

I hope I’ll take my own advice for once.

Love you all,

Sofia
P.S: thanks to those who have understood + stuck around

Twenty

Whoa!! I made it to post twenty!!

Thanks for reading, if you have been. I’ve really enjoyed sharing my posts with you, and connecting more to people I hadn’t known very well because of it.

What this post is going to be about is somewhat old news. I’ve talked about this before.

That’s not even surprising at this point, is it? It seems that my blog has become pretty repetitive, because I keep branching off of the same idea.

It’s been a while since I’ve talked about this, though, and I feel like I need to address it. I have a problem, one that’s nothing new. I’ve definitely experienced it before, which is probably why I talk about it so much. 

I keep comparing myself to others.

Which, as I’m sure you know, is a super toxic thing to do. No good comes from it. I know this, yet I’ll get in phases where I continue to do it every day.

I’ve been in one of those phases for a few weeks now. My self-esteem has been really low lately. I actually (dramatically) blacked out my icon for a while (and then the other day I had it as a bee, which I thought was a good time). There were these nagging thoughts in my head, and I was convinced that everyone who saw my selfies was shaking their heads and muttering, “Who is she trying to kid here?” So I just couldn’t bear to keep a picture of myself up, because it got to a point where I was shaking my head and muttering, “Who am I trying to kid here?”

Now, I know that everyone has insecurities. And we all know that they suck. I often let them get the best of me, and after a while of keeping positive and confident I’ll suddenly find myself turning around the mirror in my room because I don’t even want to accidentally glimpse at my reflection.

It’s impossible to escape your reflection, though, and when I see myself, I’ll hear those damn nagging thoughts again. 

I’m too short.

My chest is so flat.

I have no muscle.

My eyes are gross. Bland. Lame.

My acne and blemishes are everywhere. 

My hair never works the way I want it to. 

My smile. Yikes, that is a big one. My teeth are one of the top five things I get embarrassed about.

I’m so weird.

I’m mean.

I’m not a good person.

When these thoughts start to circulate, it’s bad enough. But then I see these beautiful people around me, and it all gets worse.

I’ll never be tall like her. Why can’t I look more like her?

She’s body goals and I’m the opposite. Why can’t I look more like her?

She’s so nice, just naturally. I’m so mean compared to that. Why can’t I be like her, no matter how hard I try?

I’ll never be able to sing like her, I hate my voice, I’m no good. Why can’t I sing like her?

Why can’t I be pretty like her? Why can’t I look that good without makeup like her? Why can’t I be more like her? Why can’t I be somebody else? Why do I have to be me?

It gets consuming, and suddenly I’m doing everything I can to change myself, because I’m not enough for me. And then, since I can’t be enough for me, I feel like I’ll never be enough for anyone.

I can’t stand that I’m spreading all of this negativity, to top it off. I’ve found that for some reason, venting on Twitter helps. To try and keep that crap away from my followers, though, I started a rant account. It’s similar to shouting into an empty void, but that’s really all I need. Just to write it out. To post it somewhere. I guess it makes the thoughts seem valid. But even though I’ve stopped bothering others as much with the self-deprecating tweets, I’m still saying it all. And that’s no good, because you can’t live like that. You can’t compare yourself to others, because you’ll never be happy.

You know why? Because you will never be them, because you are you.

And you know what? That’s wonderful. It honestly, truly is.

Sometimes I forget that, but when I do it’s like a rubber band effect, and I snap back into a more positive attitude. I have this book of positive things, little quotes and notes from people I admire and who have helped me. When I realize that I’m headed down a gross road, I’ll grab the book and read through it. One of my favorite quotes is this:


Yeah, yeah, it’s from Kirstin’s blog, I know, big shocker. But isn’t it some cold hard truth? Perspective is EVERYTHING, and it’s hard to change if I’m constantly sitting in my room, staring at my mirror and writing the things I don’t like about myself with sharpie on my arms and legs. That’s giving in. If you want to feel more confident, have more positivity, you have to choose to want it.

I know that can be hard. Trust me, I know. Sometimes I’ll see myself and think what’s the point? Just because I’m upbeat isn’t going to change anything. I’ll still be who I am, I’ll still be ugly.

But you know what I’ve found to be true in the past? If I surround myself with more people that spread positivity and confidence, I start to absorb some of it. Maybe “absorb” isn’t the best word to describe that, because it sounds like I’m sucking a life force or something, but you get the idea. Changing your perspective means changing the way you see things, including yourself. So by choosing to fight negative thoughts, choosing to fight for a better attitude, you’re taking one step closer to self-acceptance, which is one step closer to self-love.

Bringing myself down is tiring. And it brings others down, which upsets me even more, and by the time the day is over I’m utterly exhausted in the worst possible way.

Loving yourself is a challenge. But is it an impossible one? Absolutely not.

Another quote I love to live by is “all you can be is beautiful little you.”

That one really turned my life around. I was going through all of these hoops and jumping hurdles to try and be someone else, but that was a race I’d never win! It was impossible, because I won’t ever be someone else. All I can be is me, and that’s enough.

We see someone, and we call them beautiful, and I think sometimes we think that just because we don’t have certain attributes that they do that that somehow makes us not beautiful. The parts that are different about us are “ugly.”

I’m sure we’ve all had those moments where you see someone who is labeled beautiful on television, and we wished we could be more like them. But just because those people are beautiful doesn’t mean you aren’t, right? Just because you’re different than them, that doesn’t make you ugly. No sir ree, not in the slightest.

You’ll have days where it won’t feel like it, like you’re enough. I wrote about experiencing that in the beginning of this post. Everyone has their down days, and that’s okay. The key is to not let those down days drag you to a point where you accept those thoughts as true. That can get tricky, though… especially if there are people around you pointing out your flaws.

There’s one last quote I’d like to share. 
It’s from Taylor Swift, and she says it in her 1989 movie:


There might be a moment where someone insults you, or makes you feel like you’re not beautiful, and it’s really easy to let those words wrap around your mind until you believe that they’re true. Suddenly, it’s like you were the one who said them, and now you think that everyone else in the world sees you that way. Then you’re comparing yourself to people we see as “better” than us even more, and you’re trying to alter the person you truly are to make others happy (though we sometimes disguise “others” with “ourselves”).

That is not true.

You do not have to live up to someone’s expectation of you to be beautiful.

Fighting negative thoughts is a constant, never ending battle. It can be exhausting and tough. But it’s better than the pain you’ll feel if you let them win, if you let them make you believe that they’re fact and not just whispers from your brain.

I’m not perfect. But just because I have imperfections doesn’t mean I’m not beautiful.

I think that goes for each and every one of you.

We are all so different from each other. So if we label one single person as beautiful, and we think that being anything but how that person is makes us awful and ugly, we’re going to self-destruct.

Because you can’t be someone else.

You can only be you.

And that is (and always will be) more than enough.

Love you all,

Sofia.

Nineteen

I am guilty of a lot of things.

I’m guilting of not always eating my healthiest, even though I know I should. It’s just so easy to give into a third night of Taco Bell because it sounds so much better than that chicken and green beans waiting for me at home. (C’mon, have you had spicy tostadas?)

I’m guilty of procrastinating. I mean, that homework is still going to be there after I rewatch this episode of One Tree Hill, right?

I’m guilty of taking the blessings I have for granted, no matter how hard I try not to. I’m always wanting something more.

I think one of the biggest things I’m guilty of is being unable to let things go.
Seriously, the smallest things nag at my mind for the longest time. Now, sometimes that’s not so bad. A friend can compliment my eyes and I’ll think about that for days, and then every once in a while at random moments. But if they hurt my feelings… that could hurt for days and days and days.

Isn’t it weird how that works? You could be bombarded with compliments, dozens of nice things, yet whenever one negative thing is said that’s all you can focus on.

I can just see all the men running right now.

I’ll admit it, I’m such a sensitive person. My brain is, like, set on this routine. If someone says something mean or passive-aggressive about me, my mind automatically takes it, processes it, and translates whatever it was into a script about how awful and cruel I am, how no one will ever love me because I’m the evil villain of the story.

My mind’s favorite thing to say to me is that I destroy everything I touch or come near. I chase people away. I become so intolerable that it’s impossible to want to be within a thousand-yard radius of me.

This happens all because I made one person upset or pissed off. Which sucks, because you’re always going to have people that you upset or piss off. You can’t make everyone happy, no matter how hard you try. Is that an excuse to give up trying and be a total jerk to everyone around you? Um, no. Don’t do that. Ultimately, I think by making everyone else unhappy, you can become unhappy yourself.

When I explain this self-attacking predicament to people, some call me sensitive. Some say I’m a baby, that I need to toughen up. I get that. I usually agree with them. Do you know one of the number one reasons people say is at fault for my fear of messing up/thinking I’ll never be loved/getting so upset when someone I don’t really know that well or hasn’t been good to me leaves? It’s the reason people bring up most often, the one I despise hearing.

Daddy issues.

Ick. 

Totally cringe-worthy, right?

But, sometimes I wonder… are they right? Is there some truth to that?

My dad hasn’t been in my life since I was very little. I was pretty much the poster child for waiting on the porch for a dad that never showed. I haven’t even spoken to him in five years, and we didn’t exactly end on what you would call a good note.

Sometimes I’ll be out in public and see a father with their child or children. Getting frozen yogurt, going to the park, making fun out of shopping. Just seeing them together will make me feel some sort of jealousy. How messed up is that? And then I’ll think, shouldn’t I have moved on by now?

I’ll get so annoyed with myself. Yeah, your parent isn’t around. He doesn’t want to be your dad. Blah, blah, poor you. Grow up. Get over it.

But then something like Father’s Day will come around, and I’m back to pitying myself all over again. When I found a picture of my dad and I together, I kept it in a box in my room. It still hurts, and I can’t let it go, no matter how many times I scold myself for it.

So, honestly… Could all that crap be the underlying cause of my problem?

Could the fact that I formed a habit of giving out second chances time and time again as a child for my dad be the reason I continue to do the same damn thing to people who don’t treat me right?

Is my dad the main reason I’m such a pushover?

It’s annoying for me to seriously consider because of that stupid term – daddy issues – but… maybe.

I didn’t know any better as a kid, because my innocent mind was sure my dad loved me and would do anything for his children. I was blind to the truth. Maybe that stayed.

I’m always asking myself why I stay in such toxic relationships, why I can’t let go… Maybe I’m just blind.

But you know what? I think it’ll be okay.

It’s hard to remember at times, but there are good people who stay. They do exist.

And one day, who knows. Maybe I’ll find someone who will prove me wrong, someone I never have to worry about letting go. It won’t be much of a problem anymore, then.

My normal self would tell me I’m getting too lost in a fairytale.

Last August, I went to a Kelly Clarkson concert. Now, I’ll be real… I wasn’t an avid Kelly listener. I went to the concert because Pentatonix was the opening act. (Where’s that picture of me with them where I look super gross and awkward?)

I knew Kelly’s hits, like almost everyone does. I’ve screamed into my hairbrush the lyrics of Since You’ve Been Gone in my room.

There was one song I hadn’t heard before that night, the title song of her album. Piece by Piece. 




She’s sprung countless tears with the single. Some of my own happened that night. She sang it with just her and the piano, so you can really hear the lyrics, and I remember being struck by a few lines in particular…

He never walks away. He never asks for money. He takes care of me. He loves me. Piece by piece, he restored my faith that a man could be kind and a father could stay.

Whoa.

Forget fairytale, I want that.

And maybe it’ll never happen, for me. But the fact that it can happen, that hope isn’t lost… that makes me really happy. I love that.

I’ve really rambled in this post, huh? Sorry about that. I’ve been thinking about this a lot because I’ve been trying to understand why I feel the way I feel and why I do the things I do. Sometimes the answers are hard to see. But when you see them… it almost makes stuff easier to handle.

I hope you find all of your answers.

Love you all,

Sofia